Saturday, December 29, 2007


So, last night I went to a dance club for the third time in 4 months. I've probably been out to dance clubs more in the last 4 months than the last 4 years, but whatever. The club Industry had closed and was "reopening" for one night only, so me & Damon, April, Brian, Clisty & Julie went out. We're hanging out near the bar, and it's about 10pm and first off there's chicks giving out free shots. Nice!

And then we see ... the lesbians. There's two chicks standing next to a post and they are making out like crazy. I mean boob gropin' lip smackin' standing on one leg with the other wrapped around the chick like no one else in the world exists making out hard. And it goes on for twenty minutes.
Like damn, wow, right? Then when they stop, they start dancing with two gay guys on the floor, and making out with them. How do we know the men are gay? They dance with their hands above their head. Gaaaay!

So, I've been sick all week and I'm on Sudafed so I can move, so I'm not drinking and people are having a good time. We start dancing and I'm getting into it, I'm gangly and awkward and I think back to this one time I was on a dance floor for some high school thing. I'm with people who are supposedly my best friends and my one "best" friend comes up to me and says, you look like a tree swaying in the wind, and then laughed at me. Wonderful for my self esteem, thanks bitch. She's not my friend anymore. So anyway, we're at Industry dancing and I think of this, and then April walks up to me, leans in, and says, "you're hot."
THIS is why I love April. This is why she is my friend.

Anyway, the night goes on and then I see this person behind me dancing who is huge, and my first thought is... Is that a dude? And yep, sure enough, we're pretty sure it's a dude, in a dress, dancing. And I think later, I usually scan the room, and if I see somebody as tall as me or taller, a lot of times my first thought is, is that a dude? And then I realized people might do that to me. If I'm in a room, and people look around and spot me as tallest, do they immediately wonder if I'm a dude? I get called sir a lot. I certainly hope not. That would really suck. I'd rather they scan the room and spot me and say, damn that's one tall bitch!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Holiday Cheer

Yeah, I'll see if I can muster up some. Meh. So it was a good day. Started early (because it's Christmas and you have to get up early to open gifts!) and I got warm stuff (yay sweaters!) and...
GUITAR HEROES! Stand back boys and girls, I'm gonna rock out. But first I'm going to whonk and plink and get booed. It takes practice, you see... I'm very excited about it. Oh yes. Very excited.
So, then family time and it was off to his parents first. Nice time, nice food.
So, then off to my family... and it's the usual. As we walk in the door, my sister is piling things on her bed, and then covers it with a blanket... to make it look clean. Her kids are running around not really being watched and the place is kind of a mess. We give the girls their gifts and before the younger one (who's just turned three) even can open hers, my sister grabs her and says, "Come with me." I guessed there was a diaper change needed? I wasn't listening. I don't know. I don't want to know.
I think to myself that that was odd, she seems awful urgent to change a diaper - not the usual mode here.
My mom whispers to me, "as soon as she goes she takes off all her clothes, and the diaper" which made me laugh my ass off. Every time the kid goes to the bathroom, she just strips down buck naked - diaper included. That is awesome. It's like saying, hey, change me, or you'll find it on the floor. Brilliant.
So, the night goes on... and over dinner I was talking to my Aunt Cathy, who I adore and never see, and we were talking about work, being busy and I said that I hadn't even had a chance to start Christmas shopping until Saturday. My sister chimes in with "Yeah, I didn't start shopping until two weeks ago."
One, I don't care.
Two, that is plenty of time.
Three, I replied with, "Yeah, it must be hard to find time to shop when you... don't.... have..... a ..... job." But as I said it my voice got quieter and quieter as the conscience in my head told me to be nice, you only see her twice a year, play nice.
Fine, I'll play nice.
So, now the grand finale, we're over with dinner and watching tv and little Houdini (the younger one) has been a three-year-old all night, she's into EVERYTHING. I yell at her to stop grabbing full glasses of beverage off the kitchen table (while she's standing NEXT TO her mother) and husband yells at her for throwing things, and Joe yells at her for getting into things in the kitchen. The kid just has free reign.
So, husbands sitting on the couch and she walks up to him with her hands behind her back, and just stands there and stares at him. He says, you want to come sit up here? She just stares. It's a little creepy. Then her older sister sees her and yells, "HANNAH'S GOT A KNIFE!" and Hannah (the little one) turns and runs at her sister with the carving knife. This is no small knife. So, the adults finally jump and grab it from her little mischievous hands.
We all wow about it for a minute, and then my dad says, "It would have been really funny if it hadn't been quite so dangerous!"
Indeed! Stay away from my husband you creepy knife-wielding diaper shedding toddler.
Kids. Eek!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Taste the rainbow

Joe's in town!! I know most of his lame-ass friends don't care, but I do! So, tonight we went to the necto and met up with his friends Rochelle and Scott, and it was pretty kick ass. Upon first arriving it seemed to be heifer night. The average weight of each individual on the dance floor must have been 250 pounds. We instead started the night with shots! Lemon drop! Yum. Beer! Yum. Another beer!
Now it's time to shake it. After a while the place is hoppin. Not like that one time at the gay club in New York, but it's busy for Ann Arbor. It's "pride" night so there's lots of fem-males making out and lots of she-males wigglin, but it's all fun in the name of shakin' your ass so get out there and shake it. The people watching is pretty great. The guy in the back with no shirt on, yet wearing a santa hat, is quite pleased to gyrate with the stripper pole to no end. He's wiggling and writhing, and 20 minutes later, he's still there. He now has shirtless friends. Hanging upside down on said stripper pole, or doing handstands. Yes. Handstands in a dirty bar. We dance and have a merry time and then the dj plays Nickelback. The dance floor empties. Nickelback sucks. Afterward they coax the dancers back out with some choice tunes. The kind of music with bass that reverberates from the soles of your feet through the top of your skull and you can feel the pounding of the beat in your chest down to your core. You just close your eyes and your entire body vibrates with the pulse until you feel your every molecule must be dancing along to the beat. Fuckin A. Then they play Mariah Carey, All I want for Christmas is you. Everybody screams. It's on now. Oh yeah...! After a hard 50-hour workweek I needed to burn off some steam. Thank you, Necto.
So yes. Good times.
We depart and head for the Fleetwood. Time for nourishment. We get in and order and food comes fast. There's this incredibly drunk guy in the corner, staring at us. Just staring. Staring. We were all very involved with replenishing our tummies with our greasy food and when the inebriated man reached his grubby hand out and snatched a handful of Rochelle's french fries, we all stared in dumfounded amazement. We stopped eating, we didn't move, we didn't talk. We just stared at the man in awe, as he munched happily on his prize.
Then we all start stammering at once, a blur of "Did he just do," "What the Fuck?" and "Wait, what?" "Did that really just happen?" As the drunk man's friend realized what he had done and pulled his attention away from us and apologized.
We just continued to be amazed. Mouths gaping. Questioning stares. That drunk guy really just reached over and stole a handful of her food. Really? Damn. Wow.
I mean. That's balls, man. You'd get your ass kicked doing that in New York. Good thing you're in friendly A2 town.
Seriously, you know you're drunk when you steal food from strangers.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

A little sap for the holidays

See, I'm really not a whiny, mean cold-hearted bitch, I swear.
This is the sweetest thing I've read in a while and you should enjoy....
I really hope it's not fake.
Happy Holidays. Love you all.

This is re-posted from Craigslist best of.

This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a kind soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service. Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God, Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love, Meredith.

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by. Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am wherever there is love.

Love, God

Monday, December 17, 2007

Blizzard driving

So, you should know by now that we got about a foot of snow today. Which brings me to give you all a little lesson on HOW TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW.

Look, you're from Michigan. You should fucking know how to do this already, but no, it's clearly apparent after today that no, most of you have no clue. Here's the deal...

Step 1. Before you even leave your fucking house, clear off your fucking car. I mean the whole thing, the roof, the back window, the front window. Hell, while you're at it, clear ALL the windows. AND the mirrors, and your headlights, you friggin idiot. You need to be able to see.

Step 2. Make sure you have proper equipment in your car. Put a damn ice scraper/snow scraper in your car!

Step 3. Turn on your car, make sure your windshield wipers aren't frozen, stuck or otherwise not functioning. You don't have to do this all the time, just in snow and ice!

Step 4. TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS. It may be bright outside but you clearly are not. The headlights are for everyone else so we don't hit your stupid ass. Make yourself visible. Turn your headlights on in inclement weather! You jackass.

Step 5. Drive with caution. GIVE OTHER CARS SPACE! I can't count the number of times today I saw a line of cars, all following so closely, so closely that not another car could even merge in. In the snow, that's too close, you jackasses are going to get in an accident and hit me and then I'll have to get out of my warm car with heated seats and punch you in the neck.

Step 6. Stop HITTING YOUR FUCKING BRAKES! Do you understand friction? If you hit your brakes you're more likely to lose control of your car. Your vehicle is big. Your vehicle is heavy. If you just take your foot off the gas it SLOWS DOWN ALL BY ITSELF. Nearly as quickly as tapping the brakes. And hey, guess what? jackasses. You keep control of your car.

Step 7. Slow the fuck down. Days like this people understand. It's okay to be late. When you speed in this weather you are endangering others, you jackass. Especially when you pass and there aren't really any clear lanes so you stay within inches of the other car, while weaving all over the road. Four wheel drive doesn't make you God. Stop it!

Step 8. Use your brain. Put your fucking phone/food/cigarette/coffee down. This is the time to concentrate on the task at hand.

Step 9. If you get stuck (and we helped you jackasses out of the snow today) when someone is pushing your car, don't turn the wheel all over the place. Keep the friggin thing straight. It makes it easier to push your car in a straight line! Hello?!

Step 10. Arrive safely. Follow my rules and I won't have to keep swearing at you! Jackasses!!

Don't be this guy!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Video games

So, here's a short but funny story. I was watching tv online, (because I have special needs tivo) and the show I was watching went off and so I went into the living room and found this:

Asleep at the wheel

Yes. He is asleep. Yes, the video game is running. Yes.
He actually fell asleep while playing a video game.

Now that's exhaustion.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Smells like Christmas

So, tonight was husband's work xmas party and it was, well, kind of lame. The people are nice, but most of them are engineers (read: geeky), (Proof? they spent 10 minutes comparing GPS devices) and the company cheaped out this year a bit. Still open bar (woo hoo!) but no snacks (boo!) so hey, you give me booze but no food, guess what? Somebody is driving me home. Anyway, I don't know how you make pink filet mignon super dry but the restaurant did it. Good job guys. And thanks for the gift, I gave my bottle of Brut champagne to one of husband's co-workers. I don't mean to be snarky, I had a good time. It's likely all the xmas work party I'm gonna get.

So, now since my work has like 2.5 employees I guess we don't get a Christmas party, which is too bad because I like this kind of shit. I need co-workers, I need to be social. So, I called April to bum off her work and lo and behold, she has no party either. Bummer. Two years ago I went with her to her xmas party in West Bloomfield and it was so money we renamed ourselves Muffy and Anastasia for the night, and laughed our asses off when some chick fell down a flight of stairs. (stop with that look, she was fine...) Anyway. I need some holiday party! You got a holiday party? You need to bring a friend? I'm in. Bring me some holiday cheer! Give a girl some xmas spirit! Come on!

In other news... I am really enjoying watching Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares on BBC America. He basically goes to failing kitchens, swears a lot, comes up with great ideas, great food and if the idiot employees do what he says, they save the place. If they don't, they continue to struggle. It's fucking great.

Bonus: In every single episode (and I do mean EVERY episode) they film Ramsay as he changes from street clothes to chef clothes. So, in every episode you see him shirtless as he changes his clothes. What is with that???

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

NYC & the plague

so, I'm in NYC. Again. I've been here so many times and it is getting so familiar that now it kind of feels like coming home. Ah, New York. I missed you. No interesting cab rides this time. A very mundane subway ride. The city is all decked out to the nines for the Christmas Holiday. They go all out here. Really. ALL OUT. They built a token menorah to make the Hannukah (yeah I can't spell it and don't feel like looking it up right now, so suck it) people. Apparently it's the world's largest menorah. And it looks stupid. Sorry. It does look stupid.
I doubt I'll see much of my brother this visit as he's working 9am to 10pm the entire time I'm here. I had big aspirations of all the things I could do. Maybe I'd get some xmas shopping in or a museum or two, or maybe Central Park.
Naaaah. I had a sore throat develop throughout the day and am now feeling pretty freakin crummy. Got that head to toe evil body ache and I'm so tired and I just spent the last 3 hours under the blankets hiding in my room watching movies on my PSP. Thank you for making the movie Love Actually. It's so perfect today for those of us recovering from burning the candle at both ends. So, hopefully I will have fought off the plague by tomorrow instead of having it escalate to something really fun like Pneumonia or Dysentery. I'm so fabulous.

Saturday, December 8, 2007


So, I've got photos on Flickr. Recently I've been tagging them with keywords and geo-tagging them by putting their location on a map. As a result I now have people looking at my photos. I went to the University of Michigan women's volleyball NCAA games and took pics and put those up, they're getting lots of views. Out of curiosity I was wondering which photo had the most.
And to my surprise (though I shouldn't be surprised) the one with the most views is of the University of Illinois cheerleaders, and it's called "skimpy cheerleaders." They had the shortest uniforms I'd ever seen.

I wonder what kind of views I could get if I called a photo "slutty whore," and tagged it with slut, whore, bitch, skimpy, and naked. I could take a photo of a tree or some leaves or a nice shrubbery and all kinds of people would look at it. Suckers.

In other news, I don't know if you know this but some day I'm gonna marry The Fonz. No, not Henry Winkler, but The Fonz. Someday I'll find him and the moment he sees me he'll be so twitterpitted with love that he'll marry me on the spot. Yep. Me & The Fonz. That's true love, eeeeehhhh!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Why can't we have nice things?

So, I get home from work today and start making dinner. I go to open the trash bin and inside I see this:


Husband is standing near me and I just give him "a look." I am pretty sure that this is probably what he had on today, and the look I gave him thoroughly expressed my "What the F@*% did you do to your shirt?" question. I liked that shirt. What the hell?

So, he pulls the shirt out and begins to tell the story. We'll he went in the bathroom and realized there was a hole in the elbow.


and so he hulked out and tore it some more.


and that wasn't good enough so he tore it here


and there


and generally just made total destruction


Because that's what he does. So, I laughed my ass off, took pictures, shrugged and went on making dinner.
Poor sad little shirt.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

A quickie before volleyball practice

1. Where's your 2 on your top 8 at the moment?
Oh April? She's probably in my pants. Lemme look. Yep. In my pants. Heh.

2. What is your favorite possession?
I'd say my car - it's a love/hate relationship. Maybe my cat. But do I really "own" my cat?
Or my house? I like my house a lot.

3. Do you own a gun?
I wouldn't say that I personally own a gun but could say there is one in my home. But I don't think you'd call it a gun. Perhaps a rifle instead? Mmm. Yes.

4. Do you have a crush on someone right now?
What am I? Twelve?

5. When was the last time you were at the hospital?
To visit my dad when he had knee surgery.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Yum. Cancer. Delicious. Bad. Bad. Yummm.

7.What's your favorite Christmas song?
I can't get into xmas music until December, so it's on. My fave is O Holy Night and Carol of the Bells. Yeah, I know. I'm agnostic. Whatever. Christmas is Pagan based anyway.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

9.Can you do a push up?
Yes I can do several.

10. Is your bathroom clean?
Clean. I suppose so. I don't think you want to go eating off the floor or anything, but nobody would scream to walk in there.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My wedding ring.

12. Do you take painkillers?
When I need to I will. But not Vicodin. I'm kind of allergic. My face itches and I hallucinate and turn into the exorcist.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Hell if I know. Ask them.

14. Do you have A.D.D.? [Attention Deficit Disorder]

15. Your name?
It is not Missy and you damn well better not call me Michelle.

16. Middle Name(s)?

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
I need some gum.
I have to go soon.
What's that on my shoe?

18. Name 3 things you enjoy doing:
Watching movies, hanging with friends, takin photos.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
water, diet coke, tea/coffee

20. Last movie watched?
"The Constant Gardener"

21. All money aside, where would you go and what would you do?
I'm crazy. I want to go to Africa and do a safari. I'd like to drive to Alaska. Yes. Drive all the way to Alaska. I also have this idea to drive south as far as you can. Can you get a car across the Panama Canal? Really? I'd go to Hawaii again and stay a month at the Pink Palace. Hello Sunshine and Pineapple. Any good Indian restaurants in Waikiki?

22. Current worry?
work. life. money. relationships. the usual.

23. Current hate?
the loneliness of my work situation. I so desperately want to go back to the way it was.

24. Favorite place to be?
Beach. Home. Your house.

25. How did you bring in the New Year?
I don't remember.

26. What are your plans for this weekend?
Whirlyball! Happy birthday husband.

27. Did your last ex treat you badly?
Oh my, I barely remember the last guy I dated... hmmm. I guess not.

29. Got something you can't stop thinking about?

30. Favorite color(s)?
Today? Orange

31. Would you be a pirate?
I prefer ninjas.

32. Are you tired?

33. Do you sing in the shower?
Yes. I make up songs and sing to husband.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
I had a paralyzing fear of thunderstorms.

35. Current cravings?

36. Superman, Spiderman, or Batman?
Batman - (seriously, George Clooney... hello!?)

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
I couldn't say that it mattered.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Tie between dislocated knee (oh pain of monster severity) and broken arm (yeah when you go into shock it might be bad...)

39. What is your pet's name(s)?
Sebastian and stupid fish

40. Who's the most important person in the world right now?

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Jen is certainly the loudest.

42. Who is your most silent friend?

43. Do you like anyone right now?
I like lots of people

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?

45. What is your favorite book?
The Fifth Sacred thing. It's a strange utopian story, and the most bizarre part is that I found the book in the middle of a dirt road in the middle of nowhere while riding my bike one day.

46. Favorite candy?
Snickers bar

47. What is your favorite song(s) right now?
Don't stop believin' by Journey. Cmon turn it up and sing along!

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Breathe Me by Sia. It'll make everyone bawl. You better not bury me though. It's cold in the ground. I'll be pissed.

49. What were you doing @ 12 AM last night?

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Thoughts don't connect into comprehensive ideas when I first awaken. It takes awhile for things to come together.

The Victoria Secret Fashion Show

So, I have interests in lots of odd things. I like stuff other chicks don't. Whatever. About a year ago I was flippin channels and stumbled upon a channel featuring leggy models in underwear.

What Is This?? I was intrigued and mesmerized. Perhaps it's the way they walk. Perhaps it's the perfection of the clothes, is it the music? Whatever. I love the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. And guess what? Get your popcorn and sodas kiddies. It's on tonight!

I just want to hear the foreign man in the back yelling Gisele GO! Emma GO! Heidi GO! GO! GO! And watch the chicks walk. They don't walk like people. They strut. And they've got legs until Tuesday. Makes me want to work out - look hot - and dress like a stripper. Oh yeah! Melissa GO!

It's insane.
But, I mean what's not to love about this?

Saturday, December 1, 2007


So, I went to the mall today. Had some tasks, birthday shopping and I needed to buy a new cassette adapter for my car. Seems this week the moon has been in whatever phase it's in that makes things go hooey. Damon's computer is broken, we have a raccoon living under the house (well, not anymore, it's dead now. Heh heh. Thanks Kritter Getters!) And my cassette adapter that makes my iPod run is somewhere on Michigan Avenue. It seemed to have "accidentally" flown out the window after repeatedly not functioning properly.

So. The mall. It's full of hopeful Christmas shoppers and desperate vendors. And santa. There's this line of pushy parents and unhappy children all waiting to see the creepy man in the red suit and beard. The holiday scene is cute, all trees and gaudy ornaments and happy woodland creatures. There's raccoons and deer and little bears and... two giant giraffes. Really? Giraffes? In the snow? I don't get it. I understand the need for holiday diversity but adding two giraffes to a "north pole" scene isn't going to do it.

I depart santa's wonderland and I go into Macy's to search for gifts and head up the escalator, dodging frantic shoppers on my way. I get upstairs and get a whiff of some nice cologne. Oh yum. I don't know what that is but I'd like to make out with it. I locate the scent and remember where I had smelled it before. Oh yes, the gay club in New York City. The gay men smelled like that. I travel back in time in my head to remember the fun. Yum. So, of course, I consider making husband smell yummy. It's a wonderful smell, and I'm not usually biased one way or another on smells. I can take 'em or leave 'em. But this, this was nice. However, therein lies my dilemma... Do I want my husband to smell gay?

Thursday, November 29, 2007

And now... questions and answers. Just for fun.

1. Are you taller than your best friend?
Oh, dear god, no. The only friend taller than me is my brother. He's in another category.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
pens that work when i use them. if it doesn't work I'll just put it back.

3. Look at your planner for the 14th of next month, what are you doing?
Damon's work xmas party

4. What color are your toenails usually?
Red, or black, or blue, or pink... or....

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
Stuff at work. Nothing exciting.

6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom?
Blue Velvet. Excellent drapes and fucked up movie!

7. What color are the seats in your vehicle?
Black with hair. I shed.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
Yep. But the cat I have now is WAY cooler.

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
My halloween invitations. If you rule, you were invited.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
No. I'm pretty sure that isn't even a real place.

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
Because I had to loan my parents some money for vacation.

12. Who is the last baby that you held?
I don't hold babies.

13. Can you spell well?
I'm an excellint speler.

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
Only if it's on my cinnabon that I'm eating.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
My most awesome car ever that I still have - Volkswagen Jetta. I smell your envy.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?
Um.. is that like a sport or something?

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
I don't remember. Cedar point is better anyway.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
I have this crap in my kitchen. It's blue and gay and I want to set it on fire.

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
Post its. I invented them, you know.

20. Last person you gave a business card?
? Somebody in London, I presume.

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
Your mom... for doing my laundry. Really? I don't remember.

22. Closest framed picture to you?
Me & the hubby.

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
Thanksgiving. Thanks Damon's aunt!

25. How many emails do you get in your inbox daily (excluding spam)?
For work? 50-ish

26. Last time you received flowers?
Valentine's day

28. Do you play air guitar?
I prefer air piano.

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
lots of things. chocolate is best.

31. Do you own any Willow Tree figurines?
I don't know what it is but it probably contains lead paint.

32. What is/was your high school's mascot?
Trojans. Yes, like the condom.

33. Last person you spoke to from high school?

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
Last time I returned bottles. Maybe a couple weeks ago? Not fond of the stuff.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
No. Definitely not.

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
I don't read the paper. I'm information eco-friendly and get it all online.

39. What was the last pageant you attended?
I'm not that kind of girl. I've never been to a pageant.

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Cottage inn.

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
Only when April makes me. She likes it when I cry.

42. What is the last thing you stapled?
Paper. Duh.

43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
I think I was like 9 when that came out. Sorry.

44. Are you ticklish?
Only when you touch me.

45. Last time you saw fireworks?
4th of July. I celebrate independence with fire.

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
I don't remember.

47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned?
I always return messages. Eventually.

48. Last time you parked under a carport?

49. Do you have a black dog?
I don't have a dog. They smell funny. And drool. Just like babies.

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Yes but you can have them.

52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
Shaffer... Looking into his eyes was like the first time I ever heard the Beatles.

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
Hm, somewhere around the last time I answered the dumbest question ever.

55. Do you have a little black dress?
No. Buy me one.


So, last week I was watching House with Damon & there was this competition to get Cuddy's thong. House ordered it up. Get her thong. So the minions went scrambling for the underwear of the authoritative figure of the show.

Lo and behold, one of the minions appears with the trophy fabric and tosses it on the table.
It's red. It's lacy. It's racy.

I go from being absorbed and entertained to question mode. I have this problem with my brain when I watch shows that include things that don't make sense to me. I'm pulled from the show, to question the logic.

1. Who wears underwear like that to work? Really?

2. One of the minions tried to pass off a black lacy thong as Cuddy's previously in the show, and House immediately knew it was a fake, because - as he claims - she's wearing a red bra, and therefore the underwear should be red as well. I claim bullshit. Unless she knows somebody is going to be looking at it - it most likely is not going to match.

I don't want to ruin any male fantasies here, but nobody has a Victoria's Secret fashion show going on under their clothing unless they know somebody is going to see it. Look, if you've ever slept with the same chick more than 10 times you know it's true.

I might be wrong. There might be chicks out there that wear HOT matching bras and panties every day. I'm just guessing that 90% of us probably don't.

So, writers of House, I get that it's much more appealing to slap a slutty red thong on the table, but add in some kind of "Cuddy's got a date" later storyline to make it believable, ok?

Thanks : )

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I see famous people...

I forgot to tell this story before. It's pretty awesome. Ok, so most of you know my brother moved to NYC. So, in October I went out to NY to visit (and do some work, too) and got to see Joe Joe. We're near Times Square and we're walking to his apartment. We're walking down 7th Avenue, somewhere around 44th street, and the light turns for us to cross the street, and I am in front, I start walking, and the crowd on the opposite side begins to come toward us. I make eye contact with a man on the other side as he walks toward me, and he meets my gaze. I keep staring at him.. he looks somehow... familiar. Joe is staring at him too, and as he gets near us, I figure out who it is. As he is about 1 foot away from us, Joe stutters, "Oh hey Richard Jenkins!" and the man turns to us and says, "Yup!" and as we pass him I turn my head toward him and just squeal. I'm so super excited. Joe and I keep walking away and so does Mr. Jenkins, but now we're pumped.
I can't believe I forgot to post this story.
Seriously! Richard Jenkins, man!!!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Oh my god

I made a pie!
(click for bigger)

It's apple, and delicious and gorgeous and way easier than I thought it would be. I really made it from scratch and never have made a pie before. I made it out of flour and salt and shortening and water and apples and sugar and cinnamon and nutmeg. That's it. I'm a real "whatever comes out of the box" kind of cooker so this is a big deal.

Yay me!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

gobble gobble

Current mood: accomplished

So turkey day started with a knock at the door. I'm down the hall, I don't know who's at the door, but I'm immediately suspicious. People don't come to our door. Seven years and nary a trick-or-treater.
I hear the door close and investigate, and Damon points to a pamphlet about jesus in our kitchen. Wonderful. Jehovah's Witnesses come to tell me about jesus on turkey day.
Go away you guys, really. Don't you have family? Go bother somebody else.
We do family stuff on the turkey day itself, as it is coincidentally Damon's mom's and aunt's birthday (yep, twins) and we had a nice birthday/thanksgiving gathering.
It was funny because his mom has a cold and when she's sick her voice half-disappears and gets raspy/squeaky. Turns out, his aunt has the same cold, and when they talk to each other it's one raspy squeaky lady talking to another in the same raspy/squeaky voice and it's comical.
So because my turkey day was spent with family, we delayed our own turkey day and had it today! We made turkey (of course), Damon made mashed potatoes, I made corn, stuffing, macaroni & cheese, baked sweet potato wedges (yum!) gravy, rolls, deviled eggs, and this dish that had cubed sweet potatoes and apples and cinnamon and brown sugar and baked til it was gooey and delicious - oh my it was yum. So, yes lots of food. I made what I wanted, and the best part? I get all the leftovers. I didn't eat any turkey Thursday or today, so I get leftover turkey sandwiches.
Didn't eat turkey?! you say? Yeah, I don't care much about meat unless it's something really great. Turkey is kind of boring. I prefer to fill up the space with all the other tasty stuff and save turkey for leftover sandwiches. That's how I like it.
So, then we had pie and ice cream and coffee too. We had Rich come over to help eat.
It was pretty great but I'm pretty beat from all that work in the kitchen.
I don't cook, really. I should though.
I'm crafty. I make candles and things of ceramic, and I sew, and do other crafty and creative things. I should be crafty and creative in cooking. But really? I don't care. I like to eat awesome food, I just don't care to make it. I'd rather have a bowl of cereal and get it over with. Or pay someone to make something tasty for me and bring it to me.
I actually bought shit today to bake a pie. A real pie. From scratch. I have apples, flour, cinnamon, etc. I have never made a pie in my whole life.
I can do this.
I'm baking a pie tomorrow.
For real.
So, I hope the rest of you all had a great turkey day.
Good night.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Mars vs. Venus

Recently a male friend of mine insinuated that another male friend of mine was not necessarily my friend because of who I am but because of what I am.
I'm young, I'm a girl, and not hideously ugly. So... voila... all they want is to get into my pants.
Look, I'm not debating the status of current or past friendships, I'm just talking about the general idea of this statement.
I know there's this age old argument between men & women and the basis of men is that they are simple creatures and need only 3 things: food, sleep, sex.
I apparently am the more complex creature and I believe that there's more. I have played the Sims. You can't just let the men sleep and eat - they want more or they jump up and down and whine and wave their hands in the air and indicate their displeasure with icons above their head of the things they are lacking.
True, real people aren't that simple - though that would make it easier. If the thing I needed appeared in a bubble above my head you'd find me looking up more often. If all the answers were really there in the air - ready for the plucking - we'd all be a lot happier. Too bad life isn't that easy.
But, really... this kind of hurt my feelings. All my life I've usually had more male friends than female and I've been told this line time and time again. They aren't my friend because they want to be my friend, they are my friend because they want in my pants. Being told this again makes me question the past friendships I've had and the ones I have now and that bothers me. My life is more complete because of the guys in my life and I value their friendship and it seems to cheapen the relationship to put such a simple insulting label on it.
I find it implies that they don't really 'like' me - they just want something from me and it's insulting.
I was at a friends bonfire not too long ago, sitting around the fire with the husband and about 4 or 5 other guys. The woman of the house comes out with a lady or two with her and her husband says something like oh now the girls are coming out to join the guys. I said, "Hey, I'm a girl, I'm out here!"
To which he replied, "aaah you're really one of the guys."
Which I kind of smiled at and appreciated. It also helps prove my point... while that statement of "men only want one thing" may be true for some guys, and may be true in some cases... is not true in every case, so please stop telling me this. It takes all the meaning out of friendships for me. I'd prefer to go on blindly believing people like me for who I am.
Guys - help me out here, is this true every time? Really?

And then my head exploded

Current mood: anxious

I'm not a morning person.
I just called the phone number to check our voice messages, and normally it goes to a recording and then I can hear our messages. In my usual pre-noon zombie state, I dial the number and it rings... and someone answers, "Hello, Huron Valley Travel."
I don't say anything. I can't even speak. The fact that someone else just answered "Huron Valley Travel" is so confusing to me I can't create full thoughts. I can feel my brain firing.
Wait a minute?! I'm Huron Valley Travel, how can you be Huron Valley Travel... is this the Twilight Zone? Where am I? I don't get it.
I finally stammer, "Um, I was trying to check our messages?" and the nice lady explained that the system was down and would be up in a few minutes.
So, simple explanation, but damn.
This one little phone call nearly made my poor little head explode.
I need coffee.

Monday, November 19, 2007

This one time I went bowling and fell down

No, it wasn't yesterday.
I did go bowling yesterday and it was fun, but I suck.
No. Really.
My first game? I scored a 61. Sixty-one. That's like seventeen gutterballs and a strike. Yep. I suck.
So, you know one of the strange things I see bowling? People that wander up, and just sort of flick the ball off their hand and it creeps toward the pins and clunk clunk clatter clunk, they get a strike. Augh.
I go flying up there all a blur of legs and hair and whip the ball down and... GUTTERBALL. *Sigh* dammit.
I've been told I'll get better. I certainly hope so. I'm only getting worse so far.
Oh, the other strange thing! A few weeks ago I saw this dude on his cell phone, go up and bowl and get a strike... all while still on the phone. He's got the bowling ball in one hand and the phone in the other and he's doing the whole thing on the phone. I thought that was just the worst, bowling on the phone. Put the damn phone down. Really.
But then? I see it again yesterday, some chick is bowling while on the phone.
Oh hell people. Stop it. Please.

So, onto the story...
Years ago we were on a Sunday night bowling league at Bel-Mark (me, Damon, Brian and his then-girlfriend Kirsten). One of those nights I went up to throw, the very first ball of the night. I step up and walk toward the line and swing my arm back and step forward and accidentally stepped about 3 inches over "The Line." My foot promptly shot out and somehow my entire body went with it and I went up and away and then landed hard on the small of my back.
I just laid there on the floor thinking, "That really hurt so I'm just gonna lay here a second" followed immediately by "There's a lot of people in here and I really should get the hell off the lane, they're probably all staring."
I half sit up and try to put my hands and feet on the floor to get up. Now I know you know the floor is oiled, but I'm sure you have no idea the real slickness of your average bowling alley lane.
This floor is insanely slippery. I literally cannot put my hands and feet down solidly enough to even get up. I scramble in place and can barely even sit up. It's not like ice, its much, much worse.
Damon goes from laughing to concern to scolding in the blink of an eye. He asks if I'm ok. I put my hand out toward him and tell him to drag me off because I can't get up. He tells me to stop playing around and get off. I tell him that no, really I can't get up - you have to drag me off.
At this point I'm like 6 feet down the lane, I flew up and out and landed and slid so he walks on the part in between the lanes a bit and grabs my hand and drags me off the lane. I limp away and sit down and soothe my bruised back and ego.
Sure, it hurt like hell to fall down like that, but also was pretty freakin embarrasing. Though thankfully, nobody really seemed to notice much.
So, a mental note for the future. Never step over the line. That line is there for a reason, and I learned the hard way.

Sorry Detroit

Detroit declared most dangerous US city

DETROIT - In another blow to the Motor City's tarnished image, Detroit pushed past St. Louis to become the nation's most dangerous city, according to a private research group's controversial analysis, released Sunday, of annual FBI crime statistics.

The study drew harsh criticism even before it came out. The American Society of Criminology launched a pre-emptive strike Friday, issuing a statement attacking it as "an irresponsible misuse" of crime data.

The 14th annual "City Crime Rankings: Crime in Metropolitan America" was published by CQ Press, a unit of Congressional Quarterly Inc. It is based on the FBI's Sept. 24 crime statistics report.

The report looked at 378 cities with at least 75,000 people based on per-capita rates for homicide, rape, robbery, aggravated assault, burglary and auto theft. Each crime category was considered separately and weighted based on its seriousness, CQ Press said.

Last year's crime leader, St. Louis, fell to No. 2. Another Michigan city, Flint, ranked third, followed by Oakland Calif.; Camden, N.J.; Birmingham, Ala.; North Charleston, S.C.; Memphis, Tenn.; Richmond, Calif.; and Cleveland.

The study ranked Mission Viejo, Calif., as the safest U.S. city, followed by Clarkstown, N.Y.; Brick Township, N.J.; Amherst, N.Y.; and Sugar Land, Texas.

CQ Press spokesman Ben Krasney said details of the weighting system were proprietary. It was compiled by Kathleen O'Leary Morgan and Scott Morgan, whose Morgan Quitno Press published it until its acquisition by CQ Press.

The study assigns a crime score to each city, with zero representing the national average. Detroit got a score of 407, while St. Louis followed at 406. The score for Mission Viejo, in affluent Orange County, was minus 82.

Detroit was pegged the nation's murder capital in the 1980s and has lost nearly 1 million people since 1950, according to the Census Bureau. Downtown sports stadiums and corporate headquarters — along with the redevelopment of the riverfront of this city of 919,000 — have slowed but not reversed the decline. Officials have said crime reports don't help.

Detroit Deputy Police Chief James Tate had no immediate comment on the report. But the mayor of 30th-ranked Rochester, N.Y. — an ex-police chief himself — said the study's authors should consider the harm that the report causes.

"What I take exception to is the use of these statistics and the damage they inflict on a number of these cities," said Mayor Robert Duffy, chairman of the Criminal and Social Justice Committee for the U.S. Conference of Mayors.

The rankings "do groundless harm to many communities," said Michael Tonry, president of the American Society of Criminology.

"They also work against a key goal of our society, which is a better understanding of crime-related issues by both scientists and the public," Tonry said.

Critics also complain that numbers don't tell the whole story because of differences among cities.

"You're not comparing apples and oranges; you're comparing watermelons and grapes," said Rob Casey, who heads the FBI section that puts out the Uniform Crime Report that provides the data for the Quitno report.

The FBI posted a statement on its Web site criticizing such use of its statistics.

"These rough rankings provide no insight into the numerous variables that mold crime in a particular town, city, county, state, or region," the FBI said. "Consequently, they lead to simplistic and/or incomplete analyses that often create misleading perceptions adversely affecting communities and their residents."

Doug Goldenberg-Hart, acquisitions editor at CQ Press, said that the rankings are imperfect, but that the numbers are straightforward. Cities at the top of the list would not be there unless they ranked poorly in all six crime categories, he said.

"The idea that people oppose it, it's kind of blaming the messenger," Goldenberg-Hart said. "It's not coming to terms with the idea that crime is a persistent problem in our society."

The report "helps concerned Americans learn how their communities fare in the fight against crime," CQ Press said in a statement. "The first step in making our cities and states safer is to understand the true magnitude of their crime problems. This will only be achieved through straightforward data that all of us can use and understand."

The study excluded Chicago, Minneapolis, and other Illinois and Minnesota cities because of incomplete data.


Associated Press writer Jim Salter in St. Louis contributed to this report.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Junk mail

Ok, so I'm a hippie. I was once a vegetarian. I used to live in Ann Arbor. I signed up for "green currents" and offset 100% of my electricity usage with carbon credits. (Though I'm not sure if that's really just enviro-crap talk) I try to recycle.
My new quest is to get rid of all the shit coming into my mailbox on a daily basis.
I signed up for e-bills for every single person I pay (except Comcast, you don't even have that option - Fuck You Comcast)
So, you'd think less mail would come? Right? Nope. I get those stupid flyers with coupons and ads for everything on sale locally. Haven't gotten those to stop yet. I had to switch phone service and my new phone provider sent my address out to all kinds of people and I'm getting mail every day to "welcome me to the area." I didn't just move in jackasses. I've lived here years. I don't want your junk mail sent to M. Backer (get my name right jackasses) and I don't want a complimentary subscription to the Ann Arbor News.
I Don't want your crap!
Every day I get a credit card application from Chase bank.
Every Day.
I'm not kidding.
I can't get them to stop sending it.
We were talking about this at work the other day and complaining. With all the "environmental awareness" going on and all the "think green" shit - don't you think somewhere out there someone is attacking this stupid industry?!!?
Make it stop!!!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Employees are scary

Current mood: scared

So, I spent the entire day yesterday working at home on the website for work, re-doing images, fixing issues, little site improvements, etc etc... if you want to see it it's lame:

Anyway, I come into work today and test a form and submit it and when I do that, I get an email that looks something like this: (and Shelly gets it, too)

Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted by
( on Thursday, November 15, 2007 at 10:51:20
firstname: melissa
lastname: test
state: AL

So, to be funny, Shelly replied to me with this:

Hello Melissa,

Thanks for your interest in Wimbledon.
What the hell kind of email address is that anyway? Oh-right. You're from Alabama. That explains part of it. Ummmm, do people in Alabammy understand the postal service, because how am I supposed to send you something if I don't know where your trailer is? Think about it. Get back to me when you get your shit together.


I think I should worry. There seems to be some underlying anger there. Perhaps, resentment? Jealousy? Am I reading too much into this? If I turn up dead, look for Shelly. Or if you hear of the next office shoot-up? Uh huh. Yep. Suspect Shelly.
She's just full of angst. I hope she doesn't reply to our real customers that way. ; )

Sunday, November 11, 2007

I'm selling stuff on eBay

Take a look. Tell your friends.
Especially if your friends want to buy my crap.
I didn't want to throw my crap out, so I'm selling it.
Complete with attempted humor, is there any other way I would attempt to sell something?

I'm linking the item number, so if the link doesn't work you can go to eBay and search for the item number.

Item 1: 200172999632

Item 2: 200172991124

Item 3: 200172995425

Happy reading! (and buying??!??!)

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Insert clever headline here

Current mood: exhausted

I'm falling apart. I don't know if it's the stupidity of adjusting to "daylight saving time" or if it's the fact that this week started out all wrong, or if it is because fall is here and now it's cold and grey and disgusting outside. (It snowed today, people.) But I feel like a bag of wet newspaper and discarded clothing. (I know, that's pretty specific right?) I cannot think. I cannot focus. I cannot concentrate. I'm exhausted. I am trying to work and I feel like a mess. Every little thing is an ordeal. I have been sleeping, maybe not enough? Maybe I need more sunlight? I haven't had time to adjust to this greyness yet? Maybe I need to exercise? Does everybody else feel like warm puppy vomit this week?
I get home last night and my head is swirling full of thoughts and emotions that have been blocking the natural productive brain flow this week. I've been drowning inside my head all week but today it's gone from tropical storm to hurricane. You know the feeling, it's one of those days where you feel generally ok, but it's like your brain is wound up and just won't shut up. It must be the normal cycle of things, just like weather, seasons, sun-up and sun-down, but it's like trying to see the sun through the clouds. All the grey mess is in the way. I go foraging through the fridge and find a pot of gold. I've got a bucket of jello shots left over from the halloween party and down them until I can't hear my brain anymore. Aah, the sweet bliss of a silenced mind.
I don't usually have to resort to such tactics to relax but sheesh, I needed a freakin break. Oh please bring me a day of sunshine!
Husband has requested we order pizza for dinner tonight, and I agreed and jokingly said "You'll have to hand me the phone, I can't get off the floor." Because seriously I'm exhausted. I wanna go home and curl into a ball and take a nap.
Wake me when it's June.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Because Damon is funny, too

This is an email thread, best if read from the bottom up.

From: Damon B
Date: November 7, 2007 7:36:36 PM GMT-05:00
Subject: Re: Drive to 65 instant win game [70593]

C. Torrence (Contact ID 70593),

Thank you for your dismissal. This is a well worded brush off. Your response takes no responsibility and recommends I simply waste more time later. You have not corrected the problem or mentioned the intent to correct this problem. "Just deal with it," would be a good translation.

I realize these campaigns are aimed at people who would simply assume they are doing something and just go away. I guess I am one of those people. My intention to stop visiting your web site and stop your time wasting email you send me.

Thank you for your time!!!

Damon A. B
Academic Sales and Marketing Manager
Mechanical Simulation Corporation

On Nov 7, 2007, at 7:03 PM, Circuit City Customer Care wrote:
Dear Damon A. B:

Thank you for contacting I apologize for your difficulty and want you to know that I've forwarded the specifics to our development team.

Technical glitches and erroneous information may be temporarily posted on our website in error, so you may want to attempt the link at a later time. Also, if we can be of help by phone, feel free to call us toll-free at (800) 843-2489.

Thanks for shopping with!


C. Torrence
Customer Support Coordinator
Contact ID 70593

--Original Message--
From: db@
Date: 11/4/2007 9:40:10 AM
Subject: Drive to 65 instant win game

Customer Service,

I was trying to enter your Drive to 65 instant win game and have been very discouraged by this campaign.
The code that you gave me doesn't work (KAAP6MRA6Z). The form indicated it was an invalid code and the form must be filled in correctly. When I applied for a new code you failed to supply one. Instead I was simply supplied with another email with the link to the form.

If you intent was to make me stop reading your emails and stop using your web site then I feel this campaign is going to be very successful.

Damon A. B
Academic Sales and Marketing Manager
Mechanical Simulation Corporation

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Weird things

Current mood: sore

I'm not sure you all know this but April's house has "history."
The previous owner "went off his meds" and shot his wife and then himself. We're pretty sure it was in the living room because that's the only room in the house with new carpet.
So, last week April noticed her mailbox was different, and they pointed it out to me yesterday. This was obvious. This was new. There's no way they could have not noticed this, living here 6 months and getting the mail every day. The name SARAH is on the mailbox. And not painted, it seems like it was burned into the mailbox. It's a black metal mailbox and where the letters are seem... melted. It's just strange.
And what's creepier? The couple who lived in the house had a daughter, and her name was Sarah.

In other news, I'm pretty sore today from a pretty awesome bike ride yesterday. A good sore, but should be in better shape than this. It's somewhat pathetic. Oh and I have lovely bruises. Yes. I don't think anyone saw, but I was going over this narrow bridge and this couple on the bridge backed up and I was nervous I would hit them, so I totally ate chain link fence instead. Recovered quickly and kept moving, but I realize now I really whacked my hip. Ohhhh... wince, cry, grimace, whine, whimper. And have to go bowling later.
I'm so pathetic.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Halloween isn't over yet

Ok, this was the funniest thing.
Yesterday Shelly went to the Michigan Theater for their Halloween event and she dressed up and her costume was awesome. She was a cult leader and had this giant gold/rainbow mu-mu and a blue wig and lots of jewelry and a tinfoil hat to go over the blue wig, and also big white sunglasses. Just an awesome costume.
I come into work today and there's Shelly all dressed normal, with... something... on her forehead. Turns out, to add to the costume she had applied a temporary tattoo of a crazy-cool looking hippie-moon thing. And she just says, "It won't come off," I cannot stop laughing. I don't get much amusement at work so I of course snuck a picture.
Halloween isn't over yet
(click for bigger image)

By the end of the day with much rubbing alcohol and scratching it did eventually come off. But oh boy was that fun all morning.
Shelly, if you find this and want me to take it down, I will. But seriously, I could not resist.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I yelled at somebody in the movie theater... AGAIN.

So, yes, yet another post about how mean I am. I'm gonna have to start putting things on here about the nice things I do. I like puppies and babies, I co-coach volleyball for 11 & 12-year olds. I gave money to a homeless guy this month. But right now, I'm talking about stupid rude people at movie theaters.
Come on! Does it take a UM degree to realize it's rude to have your cell phone open in a movie?
I'm watching this movie, and it's pretty great and pretty crazy and in the corner of my eye I see the constant flashing of... A CELL PHONE!
Look, I own one, I like it. I leave it off in the movies. It's rude.
This silly little asian girl is waving it around and trying to be subtle, but she's using the light of it to take notes or something, I have no idea. This goes on for about 35 minutes and I decide I'd had enough.
I actually got up and walked over there and said something along the lines of, "Either put that away or I'll find someone to make you put it away. You're bothering everyone. Sit in the back if you're gonna have it open." I just see her completely wide-eyed looking up at me in the blue glow of her phone. Her stupid little friends surrounding her, all staring at the phone.
I go sit down and I'm all panicky because I don't like to confront people, but come on. What the hell? Put it away!
She got all ballsy at intermission and came to tell me I didn't have to be so rude.
Well, too bad girlie. If you need to take notes, watch the damn movie at home.

Oh, and today I saw this survey which included this question:
19. Would you rather date someone 2 years older then you or 20 years younger?

What??? Ok, consider the age of most myspace users. Do you think they're even old enough to date someone 20 years younger? They aren't even 20! Isn't this kind of a disgusting question? If I preferred someone 20 years younger, I'd be dating a 9-year old. Gross.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Email issues

Current mood: irritated

I'm beginning to suspect I'm missing emails. I think my Comcast email has turned into the HAL9000. I think it's only letting approved messages through.
I'm getting spam. I never got spam before.
I'm also not getting any flickr emails anymore.
And I'm not getting any facebook emails anymore. (though I don't really like facebook)
and I suspect there's lots of other things I'm missing.
So. If you've sent me an email recently, and I didn't reply, I probably didn't get it.
I hate Comcast.
I think I'm gonna switch to Gmail.
I hate switching email accounts.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Does anybody know it's Halloween?

Current mood: sad

You must know. Though you wouldn't know it walking into Meijer, they've already got the Christmas decorations out. We had our annual all-out blo-out Halloween bash last night. Overall, it was nice. I think people had a good time.
I have to say I'm a little disappointed with the turnout. I really look forward to this party, and spend a lot of time and effort and work to make it go the way it should. This is important to me. I would hope that my friends would realize that it is important to me. I feel I'm getting this, "Oh, that party again," vibe. It was really cool this year. We really went all out. And several of my friends, though they had indicated they were coming, were no-call no-show. I should know better, I love my friends but they are who they are. I shouldn't be surprised. But still, it was my Halloween party, and I worked so hard. For them to not realize, to not pay attention to the fact that it is important to me and not show up makes me think they don't like me. I'm sure they don't think it's a big deal, and have valid excuses and don't view it the way I do. I probably shouldn't take it personally but it still really hurt my feelings. (One of you got drunk dialed. You should have been there.)
I've been a little down on myself lately and this doesn't help my self-esteem. I think it's still because I'm just so tired and worn out and my house is trashed. There are leaves in my kitchen. My coffee table is in my bedroom. My plants are in my laundry room. Everything is wrong. Lots of work still to do to get it all back in order.
People really are like the game the Sims and it makes me shake my head. Someone spilled a drink in my kitchen and just left it. If you don't give them a trash can, they'll throw their garbage on the floor. One time people put beer bottles in my gutters. All this work, and all this clean up and just sometimes I don't think it's worth it.
For those of you that were there, and that were excited and impressed with everything, a big THANK YOU!
The best quote of the night goes to Alaska Katie for saying, "Bar none, this is the best Halloween party I have ever been to in my entire life," and for Matt Foley (Rob) for making me laugh my ass off. You are the best Matt Foley, ever.
I stayed up too late and my costume proved messy. I had pink hair, and was too tired to wash before bed, so I had pink pajamas, a pink pillow, pink neck and ears, pink hands, pink everywhere I went. What a freakin mess.
Anyway, just thought I'd vent. Good night.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Last Chance! All you ghouls, hippies, whores and freaks of the night...

Current mood: geeky

Hey all,
Saturday night.
October 27.
8pm. (or later)
My house.
If you're in for a pretty cool Halloween party, send me a message and I'll get you directions.
Costumes mandatory.
Some beverages and munchies provided.
There will be fire.
We've destroyed our home in the name of a pagan holiday.
You will be impressed.
I'm not kidding.
The Ann Arbor News interviewed us.
We are that cool.
You should be there.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

To the lady who’s kid I called a brat...

Current mood: hungry

I didn't mean it. Well, that's not true. I did. I don't have kids. I shouldn't have to be nice to yours.
I was walking through Meijer looking for something and I was in a hurry, tired, hungry, distracted, and deep in thought. Your precious one pulled me out of my funk. You were coming down the lane and she was clinging to the front of your cart, and as she got near, she turned toward me and stuck her tongue out at me with full-force attitude only a 4- or 5-year old could muster.
I was surprised, and could only mutter, "You brat," before you passed.
I tensed inside, fully expecting a mommy rant coming for me about calling her child names.
Instead I faintly hear mommy's voice from behind me, "Well you were being a brat. Stop being a brat."
Ha ha ha ha ha! Awesome!

Monday, October 22, 2007


Ok, so me and this store go waaay back. I've got lots of Meijer stories, from days back in high school, through college, and now. Like, this one time I went there with my first roommate, who also happened to be named Melissa, and I made her get into a shopping cart and I pushed her across the parking lot. And it was the funniest thing. I may or may not have been under the influence of illegal substances. I don't recall how we would have gotten to or from Meijer in those conditions, but that was a long time ago and is neither here nor there... anyway.
I went to Meijer today (and you might say, damn Melissa, you just went to Kroger yesterday, what is your problem? And I'd say when I went to Kroger we only bought one thing... a birthday card, and this time I needed food.)
So, I'm in Meijer and I've added a couple things to the cart and I'm looking at stuff, as I'm likely to do. I love looking at stuff in Meijer.
I go back to my cart, and in the cart I find - right smack dab in the middle - a box of condoms. Not just any box of condoms, but a pleasure pack in multiple rainbow colors Trojan condoms.
I didn't put them there. Perhaps someone is trying to tell me something?
I don't see anyone nearby.
So, I remove the condoms and put them on the shelf with some shampoo or something.
But now, I wonder... did someone think that was their cart? Did I just ruin somebody's night of pleasure? Perhaps they will get home with all their groceries, their ground beef and Q-tips and say, "DAMN!" where did the condoms go??
Oh, Meijer stranger didn't mean to ruin your night of pleasure, if I did so, I sincerely apologize.
However, if you were trying to tell me something... what was it? I'm not sure what the Hallmark saying is for a mysterious box of condoms.

Also, I really love the foreign food aisle. I love looking at all the jars of goodies and wondering what they taste like. If I ever go batshit crazy you'll find me cross-legged on the floor at Meijer with seven open jars in front of me and my finger in my mouth. I love all the thai, mediterranean, chinese, japanese anything. Yum. And then I see this:
No way am I eating that.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Only in Ypsi

So me & the husband were at Kroger today, and the chick in line behind us is buying one item. A 6 pack of beer. But not just a 6-pack of beer, it's a 6-pack of Odoul's.
What reason would you have to need to go to Kroger at 2pm on a Sunday, only to buy a 6-pack of near beer?

Bonus: the liquor store down the street was having a yard sale. What the hell kind of liquor store has a yard sale? An Ypsi liquor store, that's who.

I need a nap

Current mood: sleepy

1. When you want to have "you" time, what do you do?
I surf the internet, or play video games.

2. Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
Depends on who's asking the questions.

3. Have you ever cried and didn't know why?
Of course

4. When is the last time you were truly happy with your life?
There's always days I reminice about that were great.

5. Have you ever found someone of your same sex sexy?
Yup, of course.

6. Do you think long distance relationships are ever really worth it?

7. What did you do at your lowest point in life?
Cry, cry, cry.

8. What brought you back from that?

9. Have you ever envisioned your own wedding?
Um, yeah. But before I was planning one, no. I'm not that girl.

10. When is the last time you personally made someone else cry?
I don't remember. It was probably my sister.

11. The last time you were kissed, where were you?
Um, in my kitchen?

12. Do you eat a healthy diet?
I try.

14. Do you believe ex's can really ever be "just friends?"
I've seen it happen, not to me though.

15. Would you attend each of your ex's funerals?
It's been so long, it would be weird. No.

17. Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else?

18. When is the last time you were on a vacation?

19. Do you make your bed every day?
Never. I don't believe in making the bed.

20. Are you too shy to tell people when you're developing feelings for them?

21. Do you use the Internet or television more?

22. Have you ever worn black nail polish?
Several times, i like it.

23. How much older than you is the oldest person you've kissed?
11 years. Oh how silly 18 year old girls can be when older boys are around...

24. How much younger is the youngest?
I don't think I've ever kissed anybody younger than me. Oh, wait... do girls count?

25. Which celebrity have you been compared to most?
Nobody really, sometimes I get compared to Meredith from Greys Anatomy, maybe it's the hair?

26. Do you have romantic feelings for anyone, and if so, do they know?

27. What are your plans for your future?
I never know!

28. Do you want to be in a relationship right now?
Today? Yes.

29. If you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you?
I don't think so, I like Michigan.

30. Have you ever done any acting on stage?
In my wildest nightmares. Oh wait, that was high school.

31. Do you like being in pictures?
Only when they turn out well.

32. Do you cry easily?
Not usually. Not unless someone is standing next to me, crying.

33. Have you ever been more attracted to a significant other's sibling than them?

34. What is the last fun, free activity you did?
I have no idea

35. Do you enjoy romance?
Doesn't everybody?

36. Do you tend to fall for people easily?
No. It's a long torturous road to get me to like you. I'm a pain in the ass.

37. Have you spent more time in your life single, or in a relationship?
More of my life has been single.

38. What person in your family are you the most like?
I am not from my family. I was dropped to them by some aliens.

39. Are you quick to start a fight?
Depends on who pissed me off.

Today is October 21

Current mood: worried

Do you know what the temperature is supposed to be today? Guess. Don't look.
Eighty one degrees.
Eighty one.
I can wear shorts.
It is FALL.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love it. You have no idea how much I love the weather we've been having.
It has been a beautiful summer, and has been a freakishly warm fall. It's been too warm for weeks. I love it.
But I do have to say it creeps me the fuck out.

And what's funny about this is that people have it in their brains that it should be cooling off. When they get dressed to go out they put on jackets, or sweatshirts. Everybody is dressing like it's fall outside. It's damn near 80 degrees and people are bundled up like it's 50. Just plain odd.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Mars is in Retrograde

Current mood: aggravated

This month is just stupid.
With the exception of a few shining bright moments, all the bizarre, horrible, ridiculous events of the month have left me irritated, upset, lost, dumfounded, pissed at myself, and stewing. This is just stupid. It shouldn't be this hard. I'd like to pass on October. I mean, really, what the hell?
November, please?
October isn't being kind to me. I'm done now. Next. Month. Please.
I've been whining to my co-worker Shelly for the last ten minutes about the stupidity of this month. She said, "You know, I've already explained to you why this month sucks. Mars is in retrograde."
Fuck you, Mars.

PS. Ben Stiller is in a new movie called Heartbreak Kid, and while the movie will suck, Ben Stiller has a new hairdo. Because Ben Stiller now knows what George Clooney (and Jon Stewart, etc etc) have known all along. Salt & Pepper hair is hot. And Ben wants ladies like George gets ladies. It's no new phenomenon.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Kids are just precious...

Current mood: amused

So, last night we go out to my friend Heather's sister's house.
Heather and her husband Tony moved to Tennessee and they were in town
but at her sister's house in Tecumseh. So we go out there to see them.
Her sister, Brooke, is pretty cool, her parents like us, our friends Kate & Justin
are there, so its an all around good time.

Brooke's kid Autumn is three and she wants to be the center of attention
tonight. Which is fine because she's in a great mood and only wants to play.
So we all do what adults do, drag her around the floor, hang her upside down,
tickle her, etc etc and she eats it up and is loving it and it's lots of fun for everybody. We're all having a good time.

So she's everybody's buddy and climbing into laps and being a monkey and
everytime you do anything, she's all "Do that again!!"

And here's the best part. At one point in the night, she climbed up into my lap full of wiggles and sweetness and turned to me and, in the most innocent voice that only a 3-year-old could possess, she said,

"I just farted on your leg."

Oh, I can't wait until I get one of my own!

Friday, October 12, 2007

New York State of Mind

Current mood: amused

So, I am to fly to NYC today for meeting stuff. Work stuff. I get to the airport and I wait. 10:06 am flight. Time passes. I wait.
30 minute delay, 1 hour delay, 1.5 hour delay. Move to another gate. 2 hour delay. Move to another gate. 2.5 hour delay.
Three. Hour. Delay.
I watch a vaguely handsome somewhat foreign guy brood out the window. He needs a haircut. I take his picture. I imagine vaguely handsome foreign guy sitting next to me on the plane while we have witty banter and talk about the world. We'd be fabulous in our little metal tube, talking about the little people, the what do you do's and the ways of the world.
I get on the plane and sit in front of the amish couple and their horrible baby. Yes, of course that's the kind of luck I have. Vaguely handsome foreign guy is in business class. Probably talking to some fabulous woman about the little people, the haves and the have nots.
I get to JFK and get into the taxi of the only cab driver in New York who is actually from New York. He's from Queens.

"Where you from?" says Queens cabbie.

Michigan, I say.

Oh yeah? How's it in Michigan?

Fine. Hot, rainy, cold, whatever. We go on with the small talk for a minute or two.

I see, says Queens cabbie. What you in New York for?

I explain how my boss lives here and I have work to do. He says, "What? you not gonna go out and have a little fun? Meet some guys?"

No, I say. I'm married.

So? He says.

Yeah, I say. I don't do that. While I'm married I play by the rules.

Oh yeah? He says. My friends don't do that, they go out, they have their "fun" they come home. Nobody knows. You do what chu gotta do.

I think to myself of Tony Soprano, how he would go out and have his fun and then return home to his wife. I express my better judgment and don't bring up Tony Soprano, after all, cabbie is from Queens and Tony Soprano was from Jersey.

You know what you need to do? He says to me. You need to get laid. You gotta go out and get you a guy or a girl or whatever works for you. Get spanked and tied up, some candle wax dripped on your ass or somethin.'

I laugh at Queens cabbie.

Yeah he says, you go out wit me, let Pete pick you up and take you out, show you a good time, you need to get laid.

The back of his neck resembles a package of hot dogs. I would certainly not go out with Pete. Single or not.

Noooo, I say. Not that kind of girl.

I spend the next hour of the longest cab ride of my laugh alternately laughing at Queens cabbie and denying his persistent requests to go out.

"How long you been with your guy?" he asks.

Nine years, I say.

Nine years!! Woah, I'm never gettin married. Gotta try em all. C'mon. You got the perfect job, you can have a guy here, a girl there. Go out wit me.

Ha ha, Queens cabbie. No. Not today, not ever, though it was flattering of you to persistenly ask. Good night!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Pop quiz hot shot

Current mood: cold

1) Some random guy comes up to you and says "Hey, what's your name?" You say?
"Uhhhh, why?"

2) What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
Wouldn't you like to know? It was minty...

3) What does your last text message say?
Something from Joe about him seeing rent on broadway and meeting the cast.

4) The last song you listened to?
Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie. Popped up on the iPod on the way to work today.

5) If you hated someone and got put in charge of their funeral music, what would it be?
I would never be put in charge of a funeral of someone I hate. Though this is a hypothetical, so hypothetically I would do the right thing and play something nice. It's a funeral, not my chance to be an asshole.

6) Where is your best friend right now?
At work.

7) What did you do yesterday?
Worked, rode my bike, co-coached my A2 Red & Ed Volleyball team, watched House & Boston Legal and slept.

8) Pick a scar on your body - what did you do?
I have this scar on my chin from getting pushed off my picnic table by this kid when I was three. His brother pushed me off again around the same time and I broke my arm. Didn't learn my lesson about the picnic table, apparently.

9) What teacher have you hated most and why?
I never hated teachers.

12.) What do you really think happened to steve on blues clues?
I don't know who that is.

14.) Who is your most religious friend?
Agnostics don't tend to have lots of religious friends. I think my cousin Jennifer might be. She goes to church.

15) Who do you trust with your life?
Apparently lots of people. If I get in your car, I'm trusting you with my life.

16) If you could change your name to anything what would it be?
Princess Consuela Banana Hammock. No, really, I would not change my name.

17) What would you say if someone told you you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up next to you every morning?
It takes me a long time to trust people being nice to me. I'd say "Who are you and what do you want from me?" And I'd be very suspicious.

18) What do you hate about your job?
I'm lonely.

19) How often do you curse?
When I talk.

20) Do you trust all of your friends?
All of them except you. You know who you are.

21) Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?

22.) Have you ever talked on the phone while in the shower?
Yes. Ha!

23) Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship?
Cheating & getting beaten up I guess. How far do you really have to be pushed?

24) Which one of your friends do you think would make the best prostitute?
Well, I think my friend Mark would. He's a man whore.

25) Are you afraid of falling in love?

26) Is there someone that popped in your mind after that question?

27) Fill in the blank. I love_____
indian food and pineapple and sitting outside in the sweet sunshine!

28) What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
I want... I don't know what I want. Oh, I want to pay off my car!

29) If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?

30) How many kids do you want to have?
None right now. Thanks.

31) Would you make a good parent?
I don't know.

32) Where was your default picture taken?
in my bathroom

33) What is your middle name?

34) Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Mmm, that thai food was good.

36) Righty or Lefty?

37) Who knows you the best?
My very small circle, you know who you are.

38) Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
contacts unless it's late

39) When is the last time you liked someone?
Right now.

40) Last person to lay in your bed?
Me! I'm soooo lazy in the morning.

41) What are your plans for the weekend?
New York City, then party to see my friend Heather & Tony in town Sat nite from TN, then wedding reception/party on Sunday.

42) Who do you think will repost this?
Someone who is boreeeedddd

43) Are you happy right now?
I'm okay.

44) Are you a forgiving person?
Depends on what you've done to me.

45) Have you lost a friend recently?
No. I'm finding them instead.

46) What are you about to do right now?
more work. break is over.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

I can sew!

Current mood: ecstatic

Ok, I'm a dork. I signed up for a sewing class. I really want to be able to fix my own clothes.
And so I'm learning. Not to use needle and thread, but a full-on dangerous sewing machine with electricity and everything.
For my first project I made a drawstring bag that works. That was pretty exciting.
But just now, I just hemmed my pants. They were too long so I couldn't wear them.
And I hemmed them. And it's right, and great and perfect.
And I'm so excited.
You have no idea.
The simplest thing of hemming a pair of pants has me bouncing off the walls.
I am such a dork.
But my pants are spectacular!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Mysterious mail

I get back from lunch today and there's this package that's been sitting in our office awhile. I decide I've had enough of this and I open the mystery package. It's a large box. I guessed it was a box to pack things in since we recently moved. Not so!
This is one crazy box. Here's some of what was in it (just the sign, not the girl):


I unfolded it and opened the box and on one side it said this:


Peculiar, yes. But wait, it gets better. The other side said this:

(click for larger image)

Step one is all you need and I particularly like the illustration they include. Step two isn't nearly as funny. Oddly enough Step three is profit! (just kidding, there is no step three, I made that up.)

Well, anyway. With the way this week has been, you can't be too safe. I made Shelly get in the box.


If you need us, we'll be at work, in a cardboard box that looks like a filing cabinet. Bring snacks.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Scary Chinese Lady

Current mood: bored

So, it's been a generally crappy week but I don't want to talk about it.
Instead I'll talk about scary chinese lady.

My work moved and this entire week I was all by myself in the new office. This means a few things:
1. I was the youngest person in the office. (although I think I was before...)
2. I was the hottest person in the office. (yeah, me!)
3. I was the shortest person in the office. (tee hee)
4. I was the smartest person in the office. (that's right)

Now, you could also say I was the oldest, ugliest, tallest, dumbest person in the office this week, but that isn't nearly as much fun.

So, because we moved, yesterday I had to go get our mail. We can't get our mail forwarded, it's stupid and complicated so I have to go get it. While I go get it I'm stopping in at Panda Express to get some terrifically unhealthy lunch.

There's this scary lady who works there and she makes me nervous. From 20 feet away she spots me and screeches,


Uh, no, I stammer. I just want to order food.


Uh... rice... chicken.... orange chicken....


No, thanks.


No, it's to go.


Um.. no.


I give her my money and leave but everytime I leave this place after working with her - even though I've only completed a transaction - I feel as if somehow I just lost a fight with a crazy loud chinese woman.

Maybe she thinks she's really friendly but she's scary. Like maybe Godzilla thought he was friendly and everybody just took it the wrong way.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Saved by Jeff Daniels

Current mood: amused

So, my parents are going to see Joe tomorrow, and they haven't traveled in a while. Since 2001, actually. I've been on about a dozen flights. This year alone. So, they come into my work and it's nice to see somebody. I'm there all alone this week (visit me! drop in!).
Anyway, I check them in for their flights and pick their seats so that they'll likely see Manhattan from the plane... nice stuff like that.
And I have my iPod playing so I don't go crazy, and it's playing one of my current favorite songs. My mom gives me this slightly incredulous look and says, "What IS this music?"
The song is Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge, and the current lyrics in question are stating, "I wanna fucking tear you apart." It's dark, and lustful and dirty and erotic and probably not all that great of a song but I like it. I can feel the tension while the song continues to play.
I shrug and say "I dunno, I have a bunch of stuff on there. Probably about 1,000 songs."

Realistically I have 357 carefully chosen songs on there. Like I can tell my mom I love that song. She'd give me that look again. Her innocent daughter wouldn't listen to such things. Oh mom, you're so cute.

The next song is Jeff Daniels, State Trooper. Parents give me a relieved look. "This is Jeff Daniels, isn't it?" my dad says.
"Yep, sure is," I say. And they change the conversation to how great Jeff is.
So, I don't have to explain my last song choice.
Whew. Thanks Jeff.

Good thing that "P control" by Prince wasn't on. I don't know how to explain that one!

Monday, October 1, 2007

I am a rock star

Current mood: accomplished

Yep, you may know my computer was broke. And many hours and lots of swearing later (and a windows xp scan & repair) and more hours.. it works the way it is supposed to. Because I. am. a. rock. star.

I'm so brave, to attempt to fix this piece of crap on my own. Yay me. And, you'll be most pleased to know that my monitor is working as well. I couldn't do it myself. Helpful husband made that work, a little trip to best buy and more hours later, it works the way it's supposed to.

Maybe tomorrow I can get some real work done.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

I’m a giraffe

Current mood: confused

I wonder if all women have these issues shopping. Does everything you try on fit in a strange and bizarre way?
Actually, here's what I really think. I think most clothing designers are gay men. These gay men hate women. I believe this. And, in retaliation of hating women, they design clothes that make us look stupid. They sit around in their little shops with their little dolls and swatches of fabric, and they laugh their asses off and try to "one up" each other on the stupidest things they can make and get us women to wear. I think 500 years from now, future civilizations will dig up our clothing, hold it up, and then laugh and say "what the fuck were they thinking??"
It's unfair. I look bad in most stuff that's popular now. And, OH boy is it ugly. These baggy shirt/dress things that you see Nicole Richie, or the skeleton Olsen twins in. Big sunglasses. Skinny pants. Egad.
I try stuff on, and it's usually one of 3 things (or all of them). 1. Too short for my crazy ass long legs. 2. Too wide. 3. Too short for my crazy ass long arms.
I tried on these pants today and some old woman gave me the stinkeye because I said, "These pants have room for an ass that I don't have."
Anybody I know would have laughed at me, but she gave me a dirty look. Screw you short woman. You deal with this. I'm built like a boy! Do you know how many years it took just for me to find girl pants that fit?!?!
And I'm always cold, I like sweaters, but to find one with long enough sleeves? Forget it. Not gonna happen.
And - disclaimer here if you don't want to read about my comments on undergarments you might want to skip this next part. I don't like thong underwear. They are stupid. Aack. You gay men probably invented this too, just to sit back and laugh at us. I guess maybe it looks nice. I think it's weird. I guess people seem to like it. I really can't deal with it. Get used to it. I don't like it. Not. One. Bit.

Ok - safe to continue reading.
Shoes. You know what? If I had smaller feet I would own tons of shoes. This difficulty in finding shoes does prevent me from being a major shoe whore, but damn, is it too much to ask just to be able to easily find a decent pair of goddamn shoes? I went on a shoe quest this past May, and I went to nineteen stores, and not one (NOT ONE) store had my shoe size. Nineteen stores. No, I'm not telling you my shoe size. I'm over six feet tall and though it's entirely unnecessary to be that tall, my feet gotta hold it up, ok?

Do all women have their very own issues when they go shopping or am I at a serious disadvantage??? I didn't ask to be built like a gazelle. I am constantly bumping into something. My body contains about about 14 total feet of arms and legs. That's gonna get in the way a lot. The world wasn't built for my limbs.

I'm gonna go make a burlap sack or something. And then I'm going to get that to be the latest fashion for gay men. Gotta get back at them somehow, right?

Friday, September 28, 2007

Windows to hell

Current mood: angry

I got a new toy for work. My monitor was dying so I bought a new one.
It wanted a driver, so I clicked to install stuff. Only, little did I know, I mistakenly clicked to install the Windows Updates. I hate you Windows Updates. You have raped my system. Now my email is f*cked up. I can't go to "add/remove programs" to get rid of you. You can't find rundll32.exe. It won't work. Everything is f*cked up. I hate you Windows Updates. You sneaky scamming bitch. Why do you have updates that f*ck up my system?
And, to make it even more fun, my computer, made in the stone age, doesn't have a good enough graphics card to display the proper resoloution on my beautiful new monitor. What this means if you are computer illiterate and don't understand it is that looking at my monitor makes my eyes bleed. I need a new graphics card. I don't even know where to begin right now.
F*ck you work computer.. F*ck you very much. I'm going home.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

It’s not you, it’s me. Ok, I lied. It is you.

Dear ER,
I'm breaking up with you. Tonight is our last date. I've been seeing you now for 13 years. We were high school sweethearts. I'm tired of your ridiculous plot lines. I don't even care to remember the names of your characters anymore. I can't watch the show with realistic interest, I don't see good things about you anymore, I only point out all your flaws. And there are so many flaws. I was holding out, remembering all the good times we had, with Anthony Edwards & George Clooney and Noah Wylie. We went through some bad times too, we laughed, we cried, we were glued to the screen. All that is in the past.
All we have now are sad little people who yell alot and get into ridiculous situations that never happen in real life. But when they are done yelling they make out with each other. I just cannot take it anymore. I'm through with your cliches.
You tried to pretend you are something you are not to make me love you again. It didn't work. You can't be Grey's Anatomy.
You've jumped the shark. I should have ended this broken relationship years ago. Change is hard. But it's time to let go.

Goodbye. I loved you once, but I don't love you anymore.
I'll miss you and I'll never forget the good times we had.

Hawaii thoughts

A year ago right now I was in Hawaii. It's nice out today, but not like Hawaii.
We went snorkeling on Maui - and it was one of the best days ever. I'd like to put myself back on the boat, laying on the trampoline of the catamaran, feeling the warm breeze as the boat bounces along the south Pacific and the heat of the sun on my skin. Oh so nice.
The turquoise water, the salty spray. The endless sun.
A buffet of hot cinnamon rolls and fresh pineapple. Swimming in the warm water. I'd like to be back on the boat.
The funny thing about me snorkeling is that I'm afraid of the fish. Yes. I have lots of weird fears about a lot of things. And I like to snorkel, even though the fish scare me. I'm okay once I get in there and calm down, but the fish need to stay away from me. Far away.
Last time we saw turtles, and elecric eels and all kinds of brightly colored fish and there was this one huge fish, quite curious it was, and big, too. It would swim directly toward me and right before it got to me, it would veer off. The first few times it did this, I screamed. Underwater. Which sounds kind of like *agghbghggablablabbh!* Then after a few times I stopped screaming when it came toward me, because it would eventually veer off. So, there's some enjoyment for you for the day, imagining me screaming underwater at some harmless fish.

Anyway, gotta go. I told Shelly I'd bring her a fork and I forgot so now I gotta go hunt down a fork.