Sunday, September 30, 2007

I’m a giraffe

Current mood: confused

I wonder if all women have these issues shopping. Does everything you try on fit in a strange and bizarre way?
Actually, here's what I really think. I think most clothing designers are gay men. These gay men hate women. I believe this. And, in retaliation of hating women, they design clothes that make us look stupid. They sit around in their little shops with their little dolls and swatches of fabric, and they laugh their asses off and try to "one up" each other on the stupidest things they can make and get us women to wear. I think 500 years from now, future civilizations will dig up our clothing, hold it up, and then laugh and say "what the fuck were they thinking??"
It's unfair. I look bad in most stuff that's popular now. And, OH boy is it ugly. These baggy shirt/dress things that you see Nicole Richie, or the skeleton Olsen twins in. Big sunglasses. Skinny pants. Egad.
I try stuff on, and it's usually one of 3 things (or all of them). 1. Too short for my crazy ass long legs. 2. Too wide. 3. Too short for my crazy ass long arms.
I tried on these pants today and some old woman gave me the stinkeye because I said, "These pants have room for an ass that I don't have."
Anybody I know would have laughed at me, but she gave me a dirty look. Screw you short woman. You deal with this. I'm built like a boy! Do you know how many years it took just for me to find girl pants that fit?!?!
And I'm always cold, I like sweaters, but to find one with long enough sleeves? Forget it. Not gonna happen.
And - disclaimer here if you don't want to read about my comments on undergarments you might want to skip this next part. I don't like thong underwear. They are stupid. Aack. You gay men probably invented this too, just to sit back and laugh at us. I guess maybe it looks nice. I think it's weird. I guess people seem to like it. I really can't deal with it. Get used to it. I don't like it. Not. One. Bit.

Ok - safe to continue reading.
Shoes. You know what? If I had smaller feet I would own tons of shoes. This difficulty in finding shoes does prevent me from being a major shoe whore, but damn, is it too much to ask just to be able to easily find a decent pair of goddamn shoes? I went on a shoe quest this past May, and I went to nineteen stores, and not one (NOT ONE) store had my shoe size. Nineteen stores. No, I'm not telling you my shoe size. I'm over six feet tall and though it's entirely unnecessary to be that tall, my feet gotta hold it up, ok?

Do all women have their very own issues when they go shopping or am I at a serious disadvantage??? I didn't ask to be built like a gazelle. I am constantly bumping into something. My body contains about about 14 total feet of arms and legs. That's gonna get in the way a lot. The world wasn't built for my limbs.

I'm gonna go make a burlap sack or something. And then I'm going to get that to be the latest fashion for gay men. Gotta get back at them somehow, right?

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