Sunday, July 29, 2007

If you see a chick in a bikini with an AR-15...

It's probably me.
Seriously, I was in my pool today cleaning out the leaves & crap and I hear some dude in my driveway yelling at me, something about nice day or nice body, I don't know, so I turn around and there's this big fat dude walking up to my house.
So, I run inside the back door and lock the doors and tell husband some dude is walking up to our house. He checks it out and turns out the dude was just delivering a phone book, but what the fuck? Don't talk to me when you're walking up to my house. Drop your shit off and go.
I don't have neighbors. If I don't know you and you are coming onto my property you are considered a threat. People don't sell candy door to door where I live. People don't trick-or-treat where I live. People don't just "find" our house.
If you scare me when I'm in my yard in my swimsuit I just might go pull out the AR-15 under the bed and answer the door with it. Nothing says "hello" like a chick in a bikini with a rifle. Get. Off. My. Porch.

Hottie Potter

So, I started calling Harry Potter, Hottie Potter, I started calling him that when he was like 15 because it was funny. Now.. well it's kind of mostly true which is a little weird.
So, I'm in the bookstore across the hall from where I work because working
alone makes me insane and I have to go talk to other people in the building.
I'm talking to the chick who works there and she's got a Harry Potter magazine
on the counter and I tell her I call him Hottie Potter, and she says it's true!

She says, "Did you see his photo from the play he was in in the UK? Equus?" I say no, so she shows me and
1) he's not wearing a shirt
2) he's got Jesus abs. (you know, "Jesus those are some abs!")
3) He's got that "V" muscle thing going on at his hips, you know the one at the pantline that people get when they're all hot and ripped and stuff? Pink has that muscle thing going on too, only it's creepier on a chick. Google Images that stuff.

I tell her that's pretty hot, I could chew on that a little bit. She says, Ditch the glasses and I'm all over it, I start laughing and tell her, but leave the scar, the scar makes it hot.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Jesus Camp

Current mood: distressed

People have told me to watch Jesus Camp. They've said it's scary.
I'm a believer now. It's a bit horrifying. I have new permanent wrinkles in my face
from the horrified expressions I had to make. Oh. My. Oh My.
What a bizarre little world these children live in.
Here's what you have to do:
Step 1: Watch Jesus Camp.
Step 2: Shower.
Step 3: Don't be an Evangelical.

I have to go now, I have to go find my eyeballs because they fell out of my head while I was watching this.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

My mom likes Def Leppard

Current mood: tired

My mom cracks me the hell up. Damon & Brian go see Def Leppard last year and recently we were talking about it she she just lights up. "Oh Def Leppard? I love them!" I'm like, really? Def Leppard? So, I hear they're coming to concert and buy my mom a lawn seat ticket for her birthday. She opens my present first and freaks out and giggles and does this little dance thing, and people are impressed. I bought my mom concert tickets.

Really? I didn't go all out. It isn't like I bought her a car, I got her a ticket to a concert. I thought of something she would LIKE.

So, my sister pushes her gift over and says "here's my stupid gift." She bought her candles. Ah, oh well.
(I also bought my mom diamond earrings for Christmas once and she cried because nobody had ever bought her diamond earrings. Seriously? Dad, you are seriously lacking in the gift department!)

But I digresss...

Def Leppard was last night and my mom was psyched, she listened to them in her car on the way to my house and she was soo excited. It was just hilarious. It was the craziest concert crowd ever. People alternately fighting, dancing, laughing, hugging, dancing and fighting. It was at Pine Knob (screw you DTE) and there had to be nearly 15,000 people there, it was pretty packed.

This dude behind us was so drunk that his friend had to help hold him up by the back of his pants. When you got your hand in your friends pants to help him stand... dude... that's REAL friendship.

I had to even fight off a bathroom intruder. I go into the bathroom and go into the stall and go to close the door and this chick busts in. Now, these stalls are like 1.5 feet x 1 foot so I have to hey hey hey her out and shut the door on her ass. Crazy bitch.

It took an hour just to leave the parking lot once it was over. People drinking, smoking, and alternately fighting, dancing, making out, and fighting. I saw a truck with a bra hanging off the antenna and a dude get out of his car to yell at some chick so he could get in the 'line' out of the arena. And she screamed, "bring it on dumbass I fucking dare you!"

It was awesome.

We didn't get home til after 1am so I'm super tired today and kind of have a headache.. I think I need a nap.

She said thank you about 50 times, and we bought her a t-shirt, too.
My mom had the BEST time.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Honk if you love Clay Aiken

Today was the "family picnic" for my dad's side of the family out at this nice park in Jackson.
My cousin Laura (who is a few years younger than me) was bringing her newborn so I dreadfully expected the regular onslaught of inappropriate personal questions about my breeding habits.
Actually, it was pretty fun, had a good time, I enjoy visiting with my family, and everyone was being friendly and behaving themselves, passing the newborn around.
Chit -chatting about life events, work, travel, etc.
But you know what?
Of all people?
My mom started the baby crap.
She collects the newborn and presents him to me. "Have you held him yet?"
No, I hadn't. I'm not the kind of person that just goes and take someones baby. Of course I'll hold him, everybody likes holding babies. It's like cotton candy, or ice cream, or puppies.
Then the conversation starts. "You know you could get one of those." I say I'll get one when I can buy them at Wal-Mart." Helpful husband says, "We've already got a cage picked out." Thanks for being on my side, husband : )
I actually do like babies so I hold the kid, avoiding the ecstatic grin from my mom.
So, really. I like babies, I like kids. I don't want one right now. Waving one in front of my nose isn't going to change my mind. Stop it.
I'll say it again. Stop it.
Stop giving me that look when I am around kids.
Stop it. Please just act normal, ok?

(Side note to my cousin Laura in case she reads my blog - congrats, he really is adorable and I hope you enjoy being a mommy!)

Finally, driving home from Jackson we passed this car with a bumper sticker across the entire back of the car that said "Honk if you love Clay Aiken." And as if that wasn't enough - it had a huge square label on the side of the car as well, with the same slogan and even little singing silhouettes. Oh it was funny. And we honked and we waved like the jackasses we are. Ha ha!

Last thing, this blog may be read but not reposted. So, please don't go running and sending this to my mother, ok? Thanks.

Bonus: Right when my mom handed me the baby, my sister's 6-year-old stomps by and yells, "I HATE BABIES!" I laughed my ass off.

A whole butt-load of photos

Current mood: accomplished

So, we got iWeb up and functioning. (or rather Damon did)
and photos from several past events are now online for your
viewing pleasure. We'll be adding more and more photos to this
because we've got a ton in iPhoto that are just sitting there.
Most of these were taken by Damon, but should be entertaining nonetheless.

See em here!

*Some items may be inappropriate for younger viewers.
(I just noticed some of the dates of events may be incorrect, we'll work on that, too.)

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Twenty-nine thoughts.

So, I turned 29.
People do that.
Almost all of my friends have done it, most of them did it years ago.
I'm 29.
It would have been nice to get more than one card in the mail from someone other than "Rock Financial."
I still wear my hair in pigtails.
I still watch cartoon movies.
I still have a kiddie pool and use it.
I still call my friends and ask if they can go out and play.
Don't experiences make the age?

When you get down to it, does age really mean anything at all?

And I'm thinking to try jogging.
I don't know.
I'd rather ride my bike, but I need either
a) a bike rack for my car so I can drive somewhere to ride it. OR
b) pepper spray velcroed to the handlebars so I can safely ride around in the area that I live.

I'm open to new things. Maybe it would be good for me.
Step 1 to jogging: Find plan on internet. Found "Couch to 5K Running Plan."
Step 2: Print out "Couch to 5K Running Plan."
Step 3: Sit down and read "Couch to 5K Running Plan."
I'm still on step three.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Ms. Chanandler Bong

Final thought of the day,
I recently thought of the funniest thing I'd done in a long time, and I chuckled to myself and was pretty proud and thought to share. I was on the internet a while back, maybe a year ago and I got bored and thought to register my friend April for free samples on the internet.
Only I wasn't gonna TELL her, I was just gonna have stuff mailed to her. Things she may want to try, you know?
Ok, seriously I signed her up for free samples of Mary Kate & Ashley perfume, condoms, lube, toothpaste, tooth whitener, Britney Spears perfume, and I think shoe polish and diapers or something. I signed up for about 10 - 12 things all to be mailed to her house.
And the name on all items?
Ms. Chanandler Bong.
(see, on Friends, they got into a fight and had a trivia game to solve the dispute and the question was to what name the TV guide was delivered? and the correct answer was Ms. Chanandler Bong.)
So, the mail came, and we were hanging out later on and she started talking about the fact that she was getting samples for Ms. Chanandler Bong and I just started fucking laughing my ass off. I couldn't pretend it wasn't me.
Oooh but that was fun!
So, if you get mail for Ms. Chanandler Bong, it was totally one of your friends.
Or it was me : )

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Yard Sales are Stupid

Current mood: tired

That is all.

What is wrong with Ann Arbor?

Current mood: annoyed

So, awhile ago I lived in A2. Now I live near Ypsi. I spend lots of time in Depot town and I love it. I like Ypsi. So, tonight I go to A2 to the State Theater to see "You Kill Me" (which is great, by the way) and I decide to wander around the town.
Now, I know it's the week before Art Fair, and I know it's warm out, but seriously what is with all the fucking beggars? Why are some of them wearing better clothes than me?
In just an hour or two, I got asked for money at least a dozen times. This is far worse than I ever remember it. Is it because it works? Are there too many little rich kids handing out money? Are they students just trying to get more money? Did some homeless shelter somewhere close?
What the fuck? No, I don't want to give you money.
I want to argue with them. "Do you have debt?" Tell me, do you have nearly $25,000 in student loans? Do you have a mortgage? Do you owe anybody? You are in a better position than me buddy! You should be giving me money! You're living free and clear day-to-day. I owe. Suck it.

Friday, July 6, 2007

my husbands mother

So, I got married about 8 months ago and my sister in law informs me the other day that my husbands mother has bought... a stroller. Seriously. One of those kind that you attach to a bicycle, I think that's what she said. Anyway. And, she's looking for a high chair. Just wanted to scare you with that. She's a little ahead of herself. No plans for kids soon here.
I suppose it's only fair though, as we have picked out a list of names and we're eager to share them with you, especially if you're family, asking when we're gonna start having kids. Here's our favorites:
Sesame Street
Apostrophe (or Asterisk.. just can't choose!)

Gosh, I don't know how we'll pick just one!


Current mood: devious

You know those stupid shoes the "kids" are wearing these days? Where they stick one foot out in front of the other and woooo magical they can roll right by on their shoes. For all you old people, they call em wheelies. They don't make em for adults cause it would be too much fun for us stuffy old people.
But you know, whenever I see a kid zip by me on one of those I want to reach out and grab them by the head and shove them to the floor.
Is that wrong?