Sunday, September 30, 2007

I’m a giraffe

Current mood: confused

I wonder if all women have these issues shopping. Does everything you try on fit in a strange and bizarre way?
Actually, here's what I really think. I think most clothing designers are gay men. These gay men hate women. I believe this. And, in retaliation of hating women, they design clothes that make us look stupid. They sit around in their little shops with their little dolls and swatches of fabric, and they laugh their asses off and try to "one up" each other on the stupidest things they can make and get us women to wear. I think 500 years from now, future civilizations will dig up our clothing, hold it up, and then laugh and say "what the fuck were they thinking??"
It's unfair. I look bad in most stuff that's popular now. And, OH boy is it ugly. These baggy shirt/dress things that you see Nicole Richie, or the skeleton Olsen twins in. Big sunglasses. Skinny pants. Egad.
I try stuff on, and it's usually one of 3 things (or all of them). 1. Too short for my crazy ass long legs. 2. Too wide. 3. Too short for my crazy ass long arms.
I tried on these pants today and some old woman gave me the stinkeye because I said, "These pants have room for an ass that I don't have."
Anybody I know would have laughed at me, but she gave me a dirty look. Screw you short woman. You deal with this. I'm built like a boy! Do you know how many years it took just for me to find girl pants that fit?!?!
And I'm always cold, I like sweaters, but to find one with long enough sleeves? Forget it. Not gonna happen.
And - disclaimer here if you don't want to read about my comments on undergarments you might want to skip this next part. I don't like thong underwear. They are stupid. Aack. You gay men probably invented this too, just to sit back and laugh at us. I guess maybe it looks nice. I think it's weird. I guess people seem to like it. I really can't deal with it. Get used to it. I don't like it. Not. One. Bit.

Ok - safe to continue reading.
Shoes. You know what? If I had smaller feet I would own tons of shoes. This difficulty in finding shoes does prevent me from being a major shoe whore, but damn, is it too much to ask just to be able to easily find a decent pair of goddamn shoes? I went on a shoe quest this past May, and I went to nineteen stores, and not one (NOT ONE) store had my shoe size. Nineteen stores. No, I'm not telling you my shoe size. I'm over six feet tall and though it's entirely unnecessary to be that tall, my feet gotta hold it up, ok?

Do all women have their very own issues when they go shopping or am I at a serious disadvantage??? I didn't ask to be built like a gazelle. I am constantly bumping into something. My body contains about about 14 total feet of arms and legs. That's gonna get in the way a lot. The world wasn't built for my limbs.

I'm gonna go make a burlap sack or something. And then I'm going to get that to be the latest fashion for gay men. Gotta get back at them somehow, right?

Friday, September 28, 2007

Windows to hell

Current mood: angry

I got a new toy for work. My monitor was dying so I bought a new one.
It wanted a driver, so I clicked to install stuff. Only, little did I know, I mistakenly clicked to install the Windows Updates. I hate you Windows Updates. You have raped my system. Now my email is f*cked up. I can't go to "add/remove programs" to get rid of you. You can't find rundll32.exe. It won't work. Everything is f*cked up. I hate you Windows Updates. You sneaky scamming bitch. Why do you have updates that f*ck up my system?
And, to make it even more fun, my computer, made in the stone age, doesn't have a good enough graphics card to display the proper resoloution on my beautiful new monitor. What this means if you are computer illiterate and don't understand it is that looking at my monitor makes my eyes bleed. I need a new graphics card. I don't even know where to begin right now.
F*ck you work computer.. F*ck you very much. I'm going home.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

It’s not you, it’s me. Ok, I lied. It is you.

Dear ER,
I'm breaking up with you. Tonight is our last date. I've been seeing you now for 13 years. We were high school sweethearts. I'm tired of your ridiculous plot lines. I don't even care to remember the names of your characters anymore. I can't watch the show with realistic interest, I don't see good things about you anymore, I only point out all your flaws. And there are so many flaws. I was holding out, remembering all the good times we had, with Anthony Edwards & George Clooney and Noah Wylie. We went through some bad times too, we laughed, we cried, we were glued to the screen. All that is in the past.
All we have now are sad little people who yell alot and get into ridiculous situations that never happen in real life. But when they are done yelling they make out with each other. I just cannot take it anymore. I'm through with your cliches.
You tried to pretend you are something you are not to make me love you again. It didn't work. You can't be Grey's Anatomy.
You've jumped the shark. I should have ended this broken relationship years ago. Change is hard. But it's time to let go.

Goodbye. I loved you once, but I don't love you anymore.
I'll miss you and I'll never forget the good times we had.

Hawaii thoughts

A year ago right now I was in Hawaii. It's nice out today, but not like Hawaii.
We went snorkeling on Maui - and it was one of the best days ever. I'd like to put myself back on the boat, laying on the trampoline of the catamaran, feeling the warm breeze as the boat bounces along the south Pacific and the heat of the sun on my skin. Oh so nice.
The turquoise water, the salty spray. The endless sun.
A buffet of hot cinnamon rolls and fresh pineapple. Swimming in the warm water. I'd like to be back on the boat.
The funny thing about me snorkeling is that I'm afraid of the fish. Yes. I have lots of weird fears about a lot of things. And I like to snorkel, even though the fish scare me. I'm okay once I get in there and calm down, but the fish need to stay away from me. Far away.
Last time we saw turtles, and elecric eels and all kinds of brightly colored fish and there was this one huge fish, quite curious it was, and big, too. It would swim directly toward me and right before it got to me, it would veer off. The first few times it did this, I screamed. Underwater. Which sounds kind of like *agghbghggablablabbh!* Then after a few times I stopped screaming when it came toward me, because it would eventually veer off. So, there's some enjoyment for you for the day, imagining me screaming underwater at some harmless fish.

Anyway, gotta go. I told Shelly I'd bring her a fork and I forgot so now I gotta go hunt down a fork.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Feeling brilliant

Current mood: blank

Maybe it's the weather. I'm feeling off today.
My house is messy, I'm hungry, I have a headache.
I feel out of sorts. It's like today is a waste. One of
those days you could do without. Feels a little pointless,
useless, and as if I could do nothing right. I'm not grumpy
at all, or in a bad mood, just ... clumsy and awkward. It's the opposite
of those perfect days when it's beautiful and you feel
superior and eloquent and talented. Today I am off my game.
It's like if everyone walked around with a lightbulb above their
head, today mine would say "out of service."

PS. One of our Oktoberfest participants is in jail. Will have to
come up with a lovely story when I feel more capable.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Dear Tequila,

You are not my friend. Well, today you are not my friend.
Yesterday you were my friend with your charming, sweet ways.
You and I, my friend, loved everybody at the party.
Two face, Dr. Giggles, Judas, Bonnie & Clyde, that random
German doctor guy, Harleyquinn and Hannibal Lecter, and even
myself, miss Joan Crawford. You loved them all. The only remnants of miss Joan
today are tattered hair and some smudged lipstick, but she
You, tequila, and your friendly ways. Yesterday you were full of hugs and
kisses for everybody. Today there is only a dull sound of blood rushing
through my ears, and an angry pain behind my eyes. Because today,
you are not my friend.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Samuel L. what were you thinking?

Current mood: hungry

I wasted two hours of my life to hear the line, "I have had enough of the motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking airplane!"
I'm not being mean, spiteful, or hateful in any way. What I'm saying is my complete honest opinion.
Snakes on a Plane is one of the top two or three worst movies I have ever seen in my life. Here's some words to describe it:
Bad. And not campy funny bad. Just BAD.
I could go on, but you get the point. The snakes attack people, which is silly. Most of them are CGI and are so fake it's insulting and laughable. The plot is just plain stupid.
There are major factual problems, and they begin the movie with this plot line and in the end they completely abandon it and the movie just goes off.
These are the things that I know know to be fact from this movie:

Pheremones make snakes mate with flower leis.
Pheremones make snakes attack people with rabid fervor.
Boa constrictors are poisonous.
All poisonous snakes will kill you instantly when they bite you.
All poisinous snakes will lunge for your throat when attacking.
Airplane cargo holds are above the plane, not below it.
You get donned with a lei upon departing Hawaii for Los Angeles.
Los Angeles airport is in the middle of a wide large desert, on the shore, and not, in fact, in the center of downtown Los Angeles.
A Boa Constrictor can eat a human in less than a minute.
When confronted with a snake in the cockpit, the only logical answer is to shoot out a window so that the snake is sucked out the window.
People who fly airplanes on Playstation 2 video games can fly a jumbo jet with no trouble.
Snakes explode instantly when you microwave them.
Airplanes have microwaves.

There may have been some spoilers here, but trust me, I've saved you some time. Don't watch this movie.
And if you want to know the other two worst movies I've ever seen in my life, they are:
"In the Bedroom" with Sissy Spacek and Marissa Tomei
"Redeye" with Cillian Murphy and Rachel McAdams

Thanks and goodnight.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Bras Rampant

So I leave work at about noon today for a bit of shopping, I've got some things to pick up for work and so I go out and about. A pit stop at Potbelly for lunch, a stop at Office Max to get some of that fancy white-out, and then a stop at Michaels Arts & Crafts to get some of those little doggie stickers - we use them on our brochures.

Anyway, I'm in Michaels and as you all know, Halloween is coming up. And as you all should know, I have a little obsession with Halloween stuff. I'm in the store, chanting in my head, "Don't look at the Halloween stuff, don't look at the halloween stuff, don't look at the halloween stuff." I really could end up being there all day. I have other places I still have to go. I walk in, grab doggy stickers, wha? is that a zombie? I beeline to the Halloween stuff.

They've got spiders and garland and pumpkins and ghosts and all kinds of crazy shit I love to look at and poke. Then I see this:

(click for bigger image)

Read the name carefully...
What the hell language translates to Bras Rampant? That's one hell of a toy! I'd like to see some bras rampant. I push the button. No Bras Rampant, only a little plastic bony-like hand that wiggles pathetically, as if it had been pushed ten thousand times before by ten thousand different probing fingers from the grubby hands of little children.
I poke it again. Still no Bras Rampant.
Oh well.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Melissaology (or because I’m bored)

Body: Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."


Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. um, really? I don't particularly like salad. Maybe balsamic vinaigrette?

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. I prefer not to eat fast food, it's like picking what my favorite garbage is. I guess I'd have to go with... McDonalds? They have nice breakfast bagel sandwiches.

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. Ashoka's Indian in Canton

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 20% How does this have anything to do with my mouth?

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Cereal

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. mushrooms or ham & pineapple, or feta and anything

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. butter or jelly


Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. a photo of Joan Crawford from Mommie Dearest. No, I'm not kidding.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Two


Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. right is right

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Oh so many ways to make this dirty.... we'll go with... splinters.

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. When I was nine or ten, I think?

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. Your mom.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Yes, I was riding my bike and I crashed my head into the ground and have a lovely scar on my eyebrow to prove it. I was nine.


Q. If it was possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. I'd rather be surprised

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. I already changed my name, I'm all set, thanks.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Clear. I don't know.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. I'd prefer not to ever think about that

Q. Have you ever saved someone's life?
A. Doubtful

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Probably


Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. $100! Hell, I'd do it for free.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Why would someone pay me for that? No way.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. No.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Sure, why not.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. Nope, but call my brother - he does that kind of stuff, "eat things for money" stuff.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. Couldn't do it.


Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: Your hand. Heh... actually, nothing.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A: Yeah, you frickin idiot.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: Hm, go dirty? Nah... carpet in the living room, hardwood in the hall/bedrooms.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: I stand. Who the hell sits in the shower? weirdo.

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: Sure I could.

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A: Two

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: Uma Thurman

Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8
A: Joe - my brother


Q: Friend you talked to on the phone?
A: April

Q: Last person who called you?
A: Shaffer

Q: Person you hugged?
A: Damon


Q: Number?
A: Seven

Q: Season?
A: Summer (or right now - September)


Q: Missing someone?
A: Usually

Q: Mood?
A: I'm having a pretty good day.

Q: Listening to?
A: the cars zoom down Stadium Boulevard

Q: Watching?
A. I'm watching myself type.

Q: Worrying about?
A. If the moon falls out of the sky, where should I hide?


Q: First place you went this morning?
A: work

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. I'm in no hurry to do anything at all right now.

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: Casablanca

Q: Do you smile often?
A: I don't know, I don't look at myself all day.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: If you catch me on the right day.

Spaders and ickies

Current mood: good

So, I'm a dork and I watched the Emmys. What else to do on a Sunday night? And I've recently started watching Boston Legal. I have to say I was excited for James Spader to win best whatever for whatever it is he does on his show.
I just like to watch him. I like to watch him talk, I like his lovely little hand gestures. I like the banter between him and Shatner. It's very pleasing to me. I'd watch that man read the phone book. I just want to smell his hair. Is that weird?

And the brilliant blonde was in today. I call her the icky. She is "sooooo broke" and doesn't have money to put gas in her car, yet she's got money to go get her nails done. Priorities my dear, priorities... you make me want to scream.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Dollar Tree

So, I went to the Dollar Store today. This is an amazing place, people. So many things you can get. All for just one dollar. You can get a ceramic toothpick holder shaped like a camera, or a little blue glass horse with flowers on it.
The best stuff:

A CD-Rom Encyclopedia for your computer. Imagine how much knowledge I can gain for just $1! A full CD encyclopedia. But the kicker? The real laughs? The CD includes 4 hours of music. Really? An encyclopedia?

A Book on Tape, but not just any book on tape, but a book written by Tucker Carlson, on tape. Cassette tape. The ability to get a Tucker Carlson book on tape for $1 is all the proof you need that Tucker Carlson is a dick and everyone hates him. For further proof watch the video where Jon Stewart calls Tucker Carlson a dick on his own show.
And then Tucker gets fired afterwards.

A can of meat. But not just any meat. Canned meat with Real Virginia Ham Taste.
Only one dollar. Mmm tasty! Is it dinnertime yet?

Sunday, September 16, 2007

I know who you are

Current mood: silly

You peed on my floor!
I am on to you.
It began some time ago. I'd pick the rugs up in my bathroom to sweep and it would be wet underneath the rug. I'd be confused as to why it was wet, and resume cleaning the bathroom. I'd wash the rug.
I'd clean again later, no issues. I'd clean a few times over the course time, but only randomly would the wetness reappear.
Slowly, after months go by, I realize what the dampness is.






It's going down the side of the commode to seep under the rug. The top of the rug is never wet.
Who is it, I wonder...
Who is peeing on my floor?
Was it the cat? No, certainly not - it's wet under the rug, not on it.
Was it me? Did a rogue stream go astray? No, no... that couldn't be it.
It was you.
It took me some months to deduce this. I put a test strip of tp around the base of the commode to see who visited and who would foil the test strip. Many people came and went, and the test strip was carefully observed. I've played detective, studied the clues and know who the culprit is.
Now, I don't know if you're fucking with me, or if you're just messy, but stop it.
My rug is falling apart. I can't keep washing it over and over. Do you do this at home?
Please don't pee on my floor anymore.
Thanks, I'll love you forever...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Things that are great

Stop thinking about work.
Think about good things. Happy things.

- the feel of the warm sun on my skin on a hot day.
- laughing
- conversation with great friends
- the smell of coffee on a cold morning
- bare feet
- playing video games or watching tv until 3am
- sleeping in
- saturdays
- a really good mozzarella and tomato salad (why do I keep thinking about food?)
- the way I feel after a great workout
- the sound the trees make when the wind blows through them
- driving fast in my car with all the windows open and the stereo up
- music, great music
- movies, great movies
- the smell of fresh cut grass
- hugs
- people who are excited to see you
- random acts of kindness
- September
- the crispness that the air gets on days like today, mixed with the faint hint of smoky burning leaves
- a comfortable seat, good book and roaring fire

And a final note - just thought you should all gather around and laugh at my expense. I am really good at locking myself out of places. This one time, I locked myself out of my house while Damon was out of town, and I was barefoot in my pajamas. I dismantled a window to get in and broke it in the process. Today, about 7:30pm, I'm packing up to leave work, I grab my bag and walk out the door. The door closes. I look down. No keys. No keys!? Oh crap.
I have to call my boss (who, by the way, is really busy packing things to move to NYC in two days) to come and let me back in so I can get my car keys and go home.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Little bitta road rage

Current mood: giddy

I'm driving to work today on one of the twelve possible routes, and today's journey brings me to turn left at a stoplight. So, I do what people should do... turn on my blinker and get in the left turn lane. Then this crazy bitch (in an SUV sucking on a cigarette, of course) turns her blinker on and cuts me off to get in front of me. Kinda rude, so I honk.

Guess what? My car was built with this thing called a horn. When you do something stupid or rude, I will honk at you. If you continue to do something stupid or rude I will continue to honk at you.

So, stupid SUV woman stops. The light is green so I honk at her. She's all waving her hand out the window at me & shit, and yelling. Look, you cut me off, I honked, I'm over it, just go through the damn light. But no, she sits there. Light turns red. We creep up to the light and sit there and stupid gets out of her car. Seriously. Go ahead, get out of your car. Bring it on bitch. You do not want me to get out of my car.

She's got wicked bed-head and she's in one of those ridiculous baby blue velour "I'm too cool for real clothes" track suits and looks like crap. You aren't fooling anyone honey, everyone knows you are not going to the gym. She's waving her manicured hand around and yelling at me, "Did you have your blinker on?" Yes, I believe I did... maybe because you are stupid you didn't see it, or were too busy lighting your silly cigarette to notice.

She gets back in and drives off and that's the end of it, but I swear there's some crazy bitch out there that is just itching for me to kick her ass. Look, I'm really not a bitch, I hold doors open for old people, I donate to charities and recycle, I like puppies and smile at strangers with babies. But I'd love to kick somebody's ass sometime. I haven't had a good ass-kicking in a long time and I've got a little angry me in my pocket I could let come out and play. Just think how many cool points I'd get for being arrested. Who wants to be the lucky one?

Sunday, September 9, 2007


Current mood: happy

What a fantastic weekend. Ah, just what one needs to refresh for the week ahead. A seven part weekend filled with fun.

Part 1
I was just waking up and watching garbage on tv with husband when they began talking about George Clooney and his new 28-year-old girlfriend.
"Do you know what this means!?" I excitedly telll husband.
"No, what does that mean?" he says.
"It means I have a chance!" I said. "She's 28! I have a chance!"
"But you're married!," says husband.
"Technicality, I reply." George will be mine.

Part 2
I think I got hit on. I'm not good at this and can't be sure, but I think I did. I was driving and this car next to me with two guys in it was staring and waving. I drove past them, and then they caught up and smiled and waved again. I could not stop laughing.

Part 3
Off to Brighton's jazz fest, which was really a jazz-blues fest. Interesting little festival, and lots of tasty meat smell in the air. Me & my co-hort April enjoyed ice cream and sweet potato fries with caramel dipping sauce (holy crap that was tasty) and laughing our ass off at the lady with the miniature collie in a baby stroller. Lady, you look ridiculous with a dog in a baby stroller. We laugh at you.

Part 4
Meijer shenanigans. We go to Meijer and once inside April says to me that she just wants to look at stuff. I reply, baby, you don't need to explain to me why we're here. She said she was used to going to Meijer with people that didn't understand. We just go to look at stuff.
A minute or so later we hear this noise, beeeoooOOOuup! and without even thinking, April answers with her own beeeooooOOouuup! and I look at her. Sometimes we have these moments where we look at each other and Bam! we know exactly what each other is thinking. There's a reply from the aisle near us.
I answer with a reply, "beeeoooOOOup!"
Next we hear "baaaa" like a sheep baa.
April replies, "Baaa."
No, we don't know why. And we're walking quickly up and down the aisles to be near who is making the noises but not get caught.
After the second baa, we see our messengers, one says "You guys are AWESOME!" and the other says, "Are you drunk?" They are Meijer employees.
We reply, "not yet!" and run away laughing hysterically.
We keep walking away, meanwhile laughing as hard as we can. I'm crying and all red faced, we can't breathe. The moment of this for us, is the just the funniest fucking thing we can imagine.
We buy munchies and other things and head out for the parking lot. There's a kid in a motorized scooter heading toward us, and then April's car. "You going to a party? Can I come," he asks. I reply, "No" and the kid circles April's car in the scooter.
"Nice car," he says, and we laugh at him and head to April's house to enjoy some Appletini's. Yum.
We watch Penny Dreadful, which was a not-too-bad horror flick. Getting ready for halloween you see!

Part 5
Sunday begins and me & April get to moving along. We head out to fill our curry desires at Ashoka's in Canton (the best Indian food) and I help her replace a thermostat and rotate the fridge doors (so that they open on the other side) at her aunt's condo that someone is renting. Me girl. Girl use tools. Grunt.
A quick trip for some ice cream and then an investigative trip to the Apple store. What a full weekend.

Part 6 and 7
Mmm internet surfing. Good way to end a day.
That's all there is, there ain't no more! BeeeeoooOOOOuuuup!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

So I ended up in Saline on the way to work today

Current mood: drained

I got on 94 to drive to the new location of my old job. Highway is all backed up.
Great. Wonderful. I get off and zip down Ellsworth, no problem.
Then end up somewhere? Turn left? Should have turned right I think. Drive further.
See Saline county fair. Nope, that isn't it, turn around, go back. See Ann Arbor Saline Road, see Wagner Road, see Liberty road. Now I'm on the right track. Only 40-minute drive to work. Should be 20 minutes.
Work all day. Move, organize, answer, call, decide. Repeat.
I end up staying late to catch up and leave around 9:20pm. I think I'll take another route home, maybe Stadium, to S. Industrial to State St to 94. Bad decision.
94 is backed up to State St, only I don't see until it's too late. Dammit!
I get on and go 5 miles an hour, stop. 4 miles an hour, stop. 40 minutes later, I've made it three miles. Three. Auughh.
It's down to one lane. Are they working on the road? Not that I can see. Just barrels and brake lights extending far into the like a dreary neon nightmare.
I'm hungry. I want dinner.
I could have walked faster.
I finally make it home but it takes well over an hour.
Looking forward to the weekend.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Dinner plans

So, I'm driving home today and we got our friend Brian coming for dinner and I call him to talk about the plans. I ask if he's bringing the meat and he tells me he's bringing chicken. Chicken is fine, but boring...
So, I tell him, "get some hot dogs, I need some crap" and he says, "ok, no problem, you need buns?"
"Yes, get buns," I say.
"I'll grab yer buns," he says.
I start giggling. I giggle like a teenage girl. This strikes me as really funny.
He eventually gets why I'm giggling.
"You promise?" I ask.
"Well... yeah!" He says.
More giggling.
Heh heh.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

I want to know 30 things about you

Fine. Fine. Fine. I'll do it.

1.) Can you cook?
Depends on what it is. I make a kick ass veggie lasagna.

2.) What was your dream growing up?
To fly.

3.) What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I could play the piano.

4.) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
White russian if it is winter, amaretto sour if it is summer, beer if I'm pissed off, and vodka & coke if I need to be numb.

5.) Favorite vegetable?
mushrooms, though technically I think it's not a vegetable.

6.) What was the last book you read?
My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. Not usually the kind of stuff I read.

7.) What zodiac sign are you ?

8.) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
Two tattoos, 9 piercings

9.) Worst Habit?

11.) What is your favorite sport?

12.) Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?

14.) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
I can't tell you.

15.) Tell me one weird fact about you
I have issues with milk expiration dates.

16.) Do you have any pets?
A cat and some stupid fish.

17.) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
Any of my friends would be welcomed in at any time.

19.) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
Clowns are scary.

20.) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be???
I'd be shorter. Maybe.

21.) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
No matter who it is, I'd be the crime partner.

22.) What color eyes do you have?

23.) Ever been arrested?
Not yet.

24.) Bottle or Draft?

25.) If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
Pay bills.

26.) Would you date me?
Only if you were hot. Because I'm terribly superficial like that.

27.) What 's your favorite place to hang at?
My house, your house or Aubrees

28.) Do you believe in ghosts?
Agnostic on ghosts.

29.) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Internet browsing, video games, play around outside, and nothing

30.) Do you swear a lot?

31.) Biggest pet peeve?
People who TALK in movie theaters. Close second, horrible children.

32.) In one word, how would you describe yourself?

33.) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
I don't know.

35.) Do you believe in God?
Agnostic on God.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

The Most Talked IN Movie In America!

Use your "movie announcer" voice for the title please.

I spent twelve hours (okay maybe only eleven) yesterday packing up our office. We're moving to the other side of town and I'd prefer to have my Saturday, Sunday and Monday off - so I stay late. I'm packing up most of the office by myself because a) the other two employees left
b) I don't have the kind of friends that would show up on a Friday night and help me pack up things at my work.

Well, I wasn't entirely alone, there was one icky there putting together documents for our Oktoberfest group - but all she did was interrupt me all day. "I need a lablel for this guy" "I need my favorites off my computer" "My computer won't print" "Why isn't it coming out of the printer" and my favorite, "The ones in there I don't have, did you print all of them from the side?" It took way too long to figure out what this meant.
After this I was supposed to go see a movie. I thought, brilliant!, some time for my brain to decompress.

We go to showcase and meet up with our friend Rich, and Damon's co-worker Phil. It's crowded. We are seeing "Halloween."
We wait in line and the people who are seeing this movie are already riled up - running around, yelling. We know it will be bad.
We go in and sit, and it's not so bad.
The movie starts. The insanity begins. Cell phones popping open here, there, over on the left, over on the right. Everywhere. People talking. Everywhere. And not movie theater talking, but just TALKING.

One dude yells "shut the fuck up" and the room LAUGHS at him, and continues talking.
The movie is playing and the room is alternating from a dull roar to a loud roar. All of this goes on for about the first 10 minutes. Then about 10 - 15 minutes into the movie, a crowd of about 50 people comes in. They're walking all over the place, more phones pop out, the room gets louder. Two more people yell shut the fuck up and each, in turn, laughed at. Some of the crowd find seats, most are still just standing near the hallway or just walking around. It's almost like a competition to see who can be the biggest asshole. Who can get the most attention?

Then the cop comes in. He starts barking at the crowd, "You're gonna have to settle down! Put the phones away or you're going to have to leave. Find a seat, now!"
This settles some people. At least now you can hear the movie. There's already been several grisly murders, I'm ready to walk out. Decompression this is not.

We end up staying through the movie, but the cell phones keep popping and people keep talking. The cop keeps reappearing and taking people out of the theater, but can't do much good. People are continuing to open their phones, jump up, jump around, run out. I swear half the theater at least, got up once or twice. I'm not sure I understand that. Why the hell do you have to get up the entire movie? There was constantly someone getting up and walking out, and then walking in. They weren't bathroom breaks.

Oh, and the best one. This dumb fucking girl walks in talking on her cell phone - this is about halfway through the movie - and she's yelling on the phone.
"Wha' 'chu talkin' 'bout? Hol on hol on, she say what? Ah my gawd, she dit int!
I'm at a movie, what? NO! She dit int!? Hello!? HELLO? HELLO?"
This girl is about 5 feet from the hallway entrance, and is standing there, facing the crowd. She isn't even remotely concerned with the movie.
I tell her to shut up.
She yells, "Who tol me a shut up?"
In my imagination life, I would have stood up and said "I did bitch so shut the fuck up and get the fuck out."
In reality I sat there and sulked in my annoyance.
What is wrong with people?

The movie ends and I ask for Damon's ticket stub and me and all the other people go wait in line at the service counter. The 4 people in front of me are bitching them out. They leave and I just set the stubs on the counter and tell them, "You know why I'm here," and they hand me my two free passes.

I don't understand the reason to interrupt a movie. It's stupid, rude, immature, and offensively inconsiderate. I also don't understand the reason behind the type of people that were making the noise, and the type of people that were standing in line to complain after the movie is over. You'd think movie theaters would do well to segregate, I mean separate these two crowds for certain movies. But you can't say that. You can't do that!

They even have the cell phone blockers, but can't use them because they are illegal. Which is also ridiculous. What if there's a fire? Seriously, is someone going to call you on your cell phone to tell you there's a fire? What emergency can't wait 2 hours. Your phone is supposed to be off anyway. Put on the cell phone blockers, please.

In regards to the movie itself, it was a great horror film. It was horrifically bloody and violent and had all the elements a great horror film should have.
1. a basic decent story line
2. blood
3. violence
4. boobies
5. people having sex and getting killed
6. people being chased and falling down
7. boobies
8. screaming
9. revenge

So, I did not decompress. I was pretty tense through the movie, it was well done. I thought it was just a remake of the original Halloween, but it was really a re-take on the original. It was pretty demented, bloody, and for all intents and purposes, a really well done horror movie. I'll have to rent it sometime so I can watch it.

PS. Sheri Moon Zombie is hot. I'm also pretty sure she's crazy hot. Like the kind of crazy hot where you could be making out with her and then punch her in the mouth, and she'd only laugh at you and make out with you harder, even though she's bleeding from the face.