Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Dear Winter

Dear Winter,
I'm done. You can go now. You have shown off quite enough with your snowy, icy, sleety, freezing rainy, gloomy and otherwise downright shitty attitude. Go.
We've had enough sledding, snowball fights and snowmen and slipping and sliding.
I'm cold. Scratch that, I'm freezing. I'm freezing everywhere I go. I'm freezing at home, at work, at the store, in my car. I'm really tired of my hands being little blue ice sticks all the time. I'm so cold it hurts.
You take away all my fun money on heating bills. My heat is on so much my hair is dry, my skin is dry. You make my skin hurt.
I'm only warm in my bed, and you know what Winter? I can't stay there all day long. As much as I'd like to.
So, I think I speak for EVERYONE I KNOW when I say we are done, and you can go now.
Where are my freak 60 degree February days? We've been sucked into this despair of gloom and freezing and snow and crap for months now. Stop clinging to it, let it go.
The Tigers opening day is in just 33 days! How are they supposed to play baseball in the snow? They don't! So, you take your snow, your ice, your arctic blasts, pack up all your things and go. We want summer to come over and play, now. Summer is fun and hot and lively and exciting and everything you are not.
I'm sorry if you're jealous of Summer but you have to accept the fact that Summer is awesome, and nobody really likes you, so go away.
I'm miserable, I want to play outside, I want trees with leaves, I want to put my coat away, I want to burn my ice scraper and my boots, I'm cold, I'm so done.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Fuck you, Ralph Nader

Stop running for president. I used to be all for having lots of people run for president, but you know what? The hippies can vote for somebody else.

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Ralph Nader is entering the presidential race as an independent, he announced Sunday, saying it is time for a "Jeffersonian revolution."

Ralph Nader is running for president as an independent.

"In the last few years, big money and the closing down of Washington against citizen groups prevent us from trying to improve our country. And I want everybody to have the right and opportunity to improve their country," he told reporters after an appearance announcing his candidacy on NBC's "Meet the Press."

Asked why he should be president, the longtime consumer advocate said, "Because I got things done." He cited a 40-year record, which he said includes saving "millions of lives," bringing about stricter protection for food and water and fighting corporate control over Washington.

Nader's decision, which did not come as a surprise to political watchers, marks his fourth straight White House bid -- fifth if his 1992 write-in campaign is included.

The two contenders for the Democratic nomination were quick to pounce.

"He thought that there was no difference between Al Gore and George Bush and, eight years later, I think people realize that Ralph did not know what he was talking about," Sen. Barack Obama said a town hall meeting Sunday. Watch Nader describe whom the Democrats should be "going after" »

Calling Nader's move "very unfortunate," Sen. Hillary Clinton told reporters, "I remember when he ran before. It didn't turn out very well for anybody -- especially our country."

"This time I hope it doesn't hurt anyone. I can't think of anybody that would vote for Sen. McCain who would vote for Ralph Nader," she said.

Nader was criticized by some Democrats in 2000 for allegedly pulling away support from Democrat Al Gore and helping George Bush win the White House.

Noting that he ran on the Green Party ticket that year, Clinton said Nader "prevented Al Gore from being the 'greenest' president we could have had."

Nader has long rejected his portrayal as a spoiler in the presidential race. In his NBC interview Sunday, he cited the Republican Party's economic policies, the Iraq war, and other issues, saying, "If the Democrats can't landslide the Republicans this year, they ought to just wrap up, close down, emerge in a different form."

But Clinton said, "Obviously, it is not helpful to whoever our Democratic nominee is. But, you know, it is a free country."

Nader said political consultants "have really messed up Hillary Clinton's campaign."

Long-shot GOP contender Mike Huckabee said Nader's entry would probably help his party.

"I think it always would probably pull votes away from the Democrats and not the Republicans, so naturally, Republicans would welcome his entry into the race," Huckabee said Sunday on CNN.

Nader said Thomas Jefferson believed that "when you lose your government, you've got to go into the electoral arena."

"A Jeffersonian revolution is needed in this country," he said.

Nader told NBC that great changes in U.S. history have come "through little parties that never won any national election."

"Dissent is the mother of ascent," he said. "And in that context I've decided to run for president."

Nader, who turns 74 this week, complained about the "paralysis of the government," which he said is under the control of corporate executives and lobbyists.

Obama also criticized Nader earlier this weekend. "My sense is that Mr. Nader is somebody who, if you don't listen and adopt all of his policies, thinks you're not substantive," he told reporters when asked about Nader's possible candidacy.

"He seems to have a pretty high opinion of his own work."

Obama said Nader "is a singular figure in American politics and has done as much as just about anyone for consumers."

"I don't mean to diminish that," he said. "There's a sense now that if someone's not hewing to the Ralph Nader agenda, he says they're lacking in some way."

Responding to those remarks, Nader called Obama "a person of substance" and "the first liberal evangelist in a long time" who "has run a good tactical campaign." But he accused Obama of censoring "his better instincts" on divisive issues.

Nader encouraged people to look at his campaign Web site,, which he said discusses issues important to Americans that Obama and Sen. John McCain "are not addressing."

Monday, February 18, 2008


I'm working late. Again.

At 9:12pm I get an email from the husband with the subject: Dinner

and this attachment:


I'm going home.
I want that dinner the super husband made for me.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Back to... NYC

So, here we go again. Back to NYC. This time I decide to head out a day early so I can have some fun time with the brother. I go out Friday, arrive without incident and we head off to his apartment. Friday night we have dinner with his friend Nicole - who's pretty kick ass - and we ate at Carmine's. Yummy Italian food. Then off to Joe's apartment for a glass of wine and we settle in to watch "Into the Wild." I know, it isn't out yet, but you just can't trust those SAG members.

Starts early and I've got fires to put out already. Doesn't take long to set things straight and we're off for the day, I'm working on greeting, escorting, answering questions, handing out tickets, schmoozing at our cocktail party and generally having fun. We have dinner with John & Jan at Ellen's Stardust Diner, complete with singing, lots of singing. Otherwise, Saturday night ends early for Joe, Shelly and I who crash out in our hotel room by 10pm.

Another early start (yes, 6:30am is early) and we're off for a city tour, and then lunch at Katz's deli with the group. All goes off without a hitch and Joe & I make it back to the hotel room before Shelly and we crash out. Shelly returns to find it's nap time and she's excited. See, this is how exciting NY is when you take care of 75 people. It consists of running, working, fixing and sleeping.
Joe and I wake up and head out. Can't sleep all day! We're in New York! We decide to hit times square and catch a showing of "The Bucket List" - which won't win any awards, but for what it's worth it was a good watch. Good story, great actors, kept me well entertained. Bravo.
We wander around the Times Square area and I try to get some night shots, but it is FREEZING. Joe pops into stores because he's whining he's cold. I'm cold too, but I want photos.
Can't feel hands. Must go inside. Cabbies are laughing at me. Oh boy.
So, where do we go?
Toys R' Us. Yeah!
We go inside and poke and play and Joe says, "Let's get on the ferris wheel."
I'm somewhat protesting, I don't know... and I oblige.
Here's my $4, let me on the ferris wheel, and I'm into it. I want the Barbie car, no wait, Mr. Potato Head!!!
We laugh and giggle and make faces and generally become quite immature about the whole thing.
Because really, we're on a ferris wheel.
So, ok. We get off, and have to go up the escalator to get out.
I get on, still jabbering, and we get to the top of the escalator and right there at the end, is Geoffrey. You know, the mascot giraffe of Toys R Us? Not a fake one, it's one of those people in the furry costume versions, like Mickey Mouse.
I see this, that he's at the top of the escalator, in the same instant I see I've got nowhere to go... and then... I screamed.
Not even playing it up this time, this bastard freaked me out. I got to the top and ran away from where the giraffe thing was and ducked behind a t-shirt rack. There's 6 or 7 people staring at me.
Joe's still in ferris wheel mode, "Let's go get a picture!" Oblivious to the danger.
I thrust my camera out at him, "You go get it. I'm not getting anywhere near that thing."
"You don't know what's in there!" I say.
Seriously, normally I'm fine if near a furry, they aren't allowed to touch me. But don't trap me on an escalator like that!
You don't know what is in there. You can't see a face. Someday when the world ends, I bet somehow people in furry costumes will be involved.
But alas, Geoffrey ran away and Joe got no photos.
Joe took off for home, and I met up with Shelly & some of her pals at the Beauty Bar for some good times. I hugged her friend Brent upon saying goodbye, which surprised him, but hey, he just seemed huggable.
Which means? He's gay, of course.

Dogs Dogs Dogs.

I decide this morning I'll do the "one new thing" I get to do every time I'm in New York and this time it's going to be the Brooklyn Bridge. I find it easily enough and yes it's still freezing, but what a beautiful sight. I'm clicking away and I just get the best photos today. What a stunningly beautiful bridge. Fantastic start to my day. Just brilliant.
Until I get screamed at for walking in the bike lane by the one idiot riding a bicycle in the entire hour I was on the bridge.
Whoops. No need to be a crazy bitch, lady. I just forgot. Maybe there shouldn't be a bike lane on such a beautiful bridge, gets people too daydreamy.
I hang out with Shelly & her pals again today, have a good lunch and attend a little comedy. Her friend John says to me, "Have you ever been in an orgy?" and so I paused.
"You paused!" He said. "Do tell!"
And I said, "Well, how many people constitutes an orgy?"
"Eight" he says.
"Well, no then."
"Tell, tell," he says. "There's a story."
So then I tell him the story of that one time Damon's friend tried to convince us that swinging was cool.
You'll have to ask me if you don't know it already.
John enjoyed the story.
So, that night is Westminster Best in Show.
Go Beagle! Go Uno! Yay!!!
Silly poodle, best in show is for beagles!

Today I try to go home, we'll save this for part two.
Hint: I have one cancelled flight, one missed flight, and turn into a total bitch, I go from JFK to LGA via GRAND CENTRAL STATION, I yell at children, get drunk, get scolded by a flight attendant, and finally get home.

Friday, February 15, 2008

my brother is an ordained minister

I'll say it again.
My brother... is an ordained minister.
How, you say?
Well, the internet contains more than porn my dear friends.
You can get ordained as a minister, over the internet, in just TWO days.
I can't even get laundry done that fast.
How this came about is that Joe's got a friend getting married in September and the friend wants Joe to officiate the wedding. So, the friend asked Joe to get ordained so he can officially marry them, and so he did.
And now, if you want to get married, my brother holds the power to do it for you.

Cause nothing honors the sacred bonds of matrimony like this guy:


And there were sooo many worse photos I could have posted. I chose to be conservative with this one.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

sarah silverman should be president.... of the world.

If you haven't seen this yet you are a loser. (and by loser I mean, dead or amish or living in a cave with no internet)
It is the best, oh my, just the BEST! The person who sent it to me has been upgraded from "awesome" to "superhero of the year." I'm making a certificate of achievement.

Monday, February 4, 2008

super bowl

So, we're watching the super bowl and I'm looking at the giants uniforms and in the next camera shot they show about 8 or 9 guys, all from the front.

So, I say to April, "Damn! that's a lot of man camel toe. What do you call man camel toe anyway?"

She looks at me and says, "Moose hoof," and then we burst out laughing.

Anyway, it's 10 to 14. Less than 2 minutes on the clock. It gets to the point where House was supposed to come on, and my special needs DVR skips ahead to real time (we had paused a couple times).
There's now 19 seconds to go. Mike yells, "They scored! They scored and we missed it! Damon make it go back!!!"
Alas, there was no going back. Special needs DVR did not acknowledge that request. It's like that minute never existed.

The giants win it, 17 to 14.

And we missed the biggest play of the game, the one everybody is talking about. The 83-yard Eli Manning pass and subsequent touch-down. And we missed it. I hate you Comcast and your stupid DVR.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

I'm still here

Yes, I have not written as much as usual. I know how to type properly and am very good at it. I've recently found myself down by a digit and find it insanely frustrating to type. Everything takes longer. I hit the wrong keys. Will becomes woll, capitalization and punctuation become ignored when I'm hurrying.

So, you say? My loyal readers (both of you), what did I do? Well, during the volleyball clinic I so excitedly talked about before, I was having the best time.. I was blocking and I love blocking. I went up to block and I did it wrong. I suspected I had jammed my finger as it was quite painful at first. I shrugged it off, ignored the pain and continued playing. I love to play.

Two hours later my right index finger is swollen, turning colors colors and throbbing. I go home and ice it, and the next day the geniuses with an xray machine tell me it is broken.

See, I bent my finger back so hard, that the tendons and ligaments did not tear, but ripped a chunk of bone out of one of my finger bones. Kind of like when a tree gets blown down and the roots rip the earth out with it.

Got a strong pimp hand, I do.

Now it's wrapped and splinted and I'm not allowed to bend it. the doctor woman even had the nerve to try to insinuate I was getting too old to be playing with college kids. She started giving me the, "You're almost 30..." speech. Really? Seriously? What should I do, pick up bingo at my old age? Better get a cane and a chair and sit on my porch? Lady, there were people at this thing twice my age, don't you dare give me the "aren't you too old for this" lecture.

So, we'll see how things progress. I'm not sure I have anything to complain about. It doesn't really even hurt anymore.

Maybe I need some sunshine.