So, you should know by now that we got about a foot of snow today. Which brings me to give you all a little lesson on HOW TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW.
Look, you're from Michigan. You should fucking know how to do this already, but no, it's clearly apparent after today that no, most of you have no clue. Here's the deal...
Step 1. Before you even leave your fucking house, clear off your fucking car. I mean the whole thing, the roof, the back window, the front window. Hell, while you're at it, clear ALL the windows. AND the mirrors, and your headlights, you friggin idiot. You need to be able to see.
Step 2. Make sure you have proper equipment in your car. Put a damn ice scraper/snow scraper in your car!
Step 3. Turn on your car, make sure your windshield wipers aren't frozen, stuck or otherwise not functioning. You don't have to do this all the time, just in snow and ice!
Step 4. TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS. It may be bright outside but you clearly are not. The headlights are for everyone else so we don't hit your stupid ass. Make yourself visible. Turn your headlights on in inclement weather! You jackass.
Step 5. Drive with caution. GIVE OTHER CARS SPACE! I can't count the number of times today I saw a line of cars, all following so closely, so closely that not another car could even merge in. In the snow, that's too close, you jackasses are going to get in an accident and hit me and then I'll have to get out of my warm car with heated seats and punch you in the neck.
Step 6. Stop HITTING YOUR FUCKING BRAKES! Do you understand friction? If you hit your brakes you're more likely to lose control of your car. Your vehicle is big. Your vehicle is heavy. If you just take your foot off the gas it SLOWS DOWN ALL BY ITSELF. Nearly as quickly as tapping the brakes. And hey, guess what? jackasses. You keep control of your car.
Step 7. Slow the fuck down. Days like this people understand. It's okay to be late. When you speed in this weather you are endangering others, you jackass. Especially when you pass and there aren't really any clear lanes so you stay within inches of the other car, while weaving all over the road. Four wheel drive doesn't make you God. Stop it!
Step 8. Use your brain. Put your fucking phone/food/cigarette/coffee down. This is the time to concentrate on the task at hand.
Step 9. If you get stuck (and we helped you jackasses out of the snow today) when someone is pushing your car, don't turn the wheel all over the place. Keep the friggin thing straight. It makes it easier to push your car in a straight line! Hello?!
Step 10. Arrive safely. Follow my rules and I won't have to keep swearing at you! Jackasses!!
Don't be this guy!