Thursday, April 3, 2008

Can't sleep (again)

Daily Horoscope for Cancer, April 3, 2008: Your eagerness for change at work may make it difficult for you to settle down today and finish your job. Still, it's best to let things evolve in their own time. Don't force an issue just because you think it will make you feel better. It's a smarter strategy to stay flexible now, for the situation probably won't unfold according to your plan.

There's a discussion to be had about my future at my job with me doing the talking...

This was supposed to be a great deal. I only work with one other person. I have flexible hours. I travel internationally several times a year. This sounds like the deal of a lifetime. Why am I being such a baby?

One, I'm unhappy. This isn't what I thought it would be. I hate the isolation. Hate it. I need to work with more people. I feel I can't say anything critical to my coworker because I'm afraid of creating an uncomfortable work environment, there's really just the two of us, so I say nothing.
Money just goes to various places and I feel I have no real control over it. Pays for this, pays for that, for what? I'm not really sure, but can't seem to stop the outward flow. I stress about the money. I have my own finances to worry about and I don't like having to worry about finances of my place of employment. Economy is weak, people aren't traveling as much and I'm making a lot less money.

I feel like I have no support. I've been pushed into this position and have nobody to depend on for help. I ask questions, seek support, and frequently get no reply. I've been told one thing and receive hearsay of an entirely different truth. Is this arrangement for 12 months or 16 months? I don't know. The deal keeps changing. And it's like there's no focus. Sometimes there's a task at hand that needs to be dealt with and I don't feel were on the same path.

And, I feel I've got no security. If there was a better deal, a better offer, a way out for him... I feel the rug would be pulled out from under me in a second. Would I do the same in return? No. I stay. I work. I am loyal. I keep thinking somehow it will work out for me in the end. Karma.

Isolation, no control, no support, less money, more work, disloyalty, I feel like I'm getting a raw deal.

Do I want more control? Not really. I don't believe I'm a strong enough leader to make the right decisions. I force decisions upon someone else when I don't know what the right decision is. So when it doesn't work out well I can say, it wasn't my decision. When I know it will work out well I will take control.

Do I want more support? I suppose I do. When I ask a question I'd like an answer and not to be ignored. Do I want to have every detail of my day scrutinized? No. That wouldn't be support would it?

Do I want more money? Yes, but I don't feel I'm valuable enough to him to get it. Would I fight harder if I truly believed I deserved it? I am not a strong person, I am not a leader. I am a pushover. I will put up with it. I know this year is not good. Does that mean I should make thousands less? I don't know. I do know I'm unhappy about it. Is this all a little too soon? Likely. I don't truly know what the year has in store financially, but I'm not optimistic. It's not my job to be optimistic. I try to be realistic.

Which begs the all important question: What do I want?

I don't know. I'm not sure I like what I've got myself into. But I agreed to do this. I'm running out of reasons to be motivated. I feel I am just going through the motions. If I leave the doors close. I feel trapped. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough to have a better job somewhere else. I feel have no where else to go. It's not like other employers are knocking down doors to hire people. I have bills to pay and can't afford to be unemployed. He's got me.

What do I want?

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