Wednesday, March 12, 2008

If I had to design my own personal hell

I just got back from a trip and found myself with lots of free time, several hours of it spent on planes.
And in the spirit of going to the UK - known to be in medieval times the most gruesome torturous people - I thought about what my own personal hell would be like. These are the things my little brain piddles about when faced with hours upon hours on planes and in airports....

So, I give you my own personal hell:

Would of course, be on an airplane. The seats would be tiny and awful. I'd have a middle seat.
The flight would be from Detroit to somewhere in Ohio with a 7-hour delay. On the runway.
Everyone would have a personal TV monitor but mine would be broken. The person in front of me would have a broken seat so it leans back all the way all the time. And most of the flight the tray won't stay up, so it falls open constantly.
My seat would be in front of the exit row so it doesn't lean back. The person on my left is a fat, chatty old smelly woman with lots and lots of bags. The person on my right is someone's horrid child. The plane would be filled with crying babies and obnoxious self-important people.
The only in-flight entertainment would be Norbit and Fat Albert and re-runs of Just Shoot Me.
The in-flight music would be Karen Carpenter (the sound of her voice breeds ax-murderers) and Three Dog Night's "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" (worst song EVER.)
The meal would be yellow and white iceberg lettuce with celery, dried up lasagna with no cheese and barely any sauce and something really nasty like yogurt with tons of sugar in it. And only tomato juice to drink.
And it would be freezing, and I'd only have a pathetic little blue blanket.
And everything would be ridiculously dry and static electricity would be rampant.
And all but one restroom would be out of service.
And the flight attendants would all be raging bitches.
And the PA system would "ping" on really loudly every few minutes the entire time, with no actual announcement.
And when they do make announcements, it's really loud and pointless. Something like, please put on your seat belts.

Yeah.... I'm pretty sure it would be something like that.

What's your own personal hell?

1 comment:

Joseph S. Reecher said...

That's pretty descriptive, but I'm going to give it a shot on how mine would go.

In an effort to continue this career of mine, I somehow never land an actual staff position somewhere. I'm just doomed to wander the East Coast, an intern. Doing everybody's job for a 1/4 of the pay. Forever. I never realize why I can't get a real job, it just happens. I chase job after job, the next more prestigious than the last, trying to get the experience that I need to stop deferring my student loans. It's like spending an eternity in limbo. I know. Moving around all the time sounds cool right? Well, there are only so many flavors of Ramen Noodles, and I'll have to eat them for two weeks straight if I want to go to a museum or have a few drinks with friends. And I keep making all these cool friends, but then 9 months later, I leave, and have to do it all over again. This goes on for the next 40 years, then when I finally seem to know what I'm doing, I'll be too fucking old to do it... I'll die alone and broke.