Thursday, August 14, 2008

Ten tips on how not to travel like a total fucking douche

1. Don't bring children. Just don't do it. Everyone hates children. Especially on airplanes. Whether you believe it or not, your child is retarted. The things that are cute to you annoy everyone else. Even that smiling granny.

2. If you do have to bring your horrid children make sure they don't drive everyone else fucking crazy. Keep them quiet. Don't let them kick the chair in front of them during the flight, and do not, I repeat, DO NOT! let them stand anywhere near the baggage claim carousel. Is your crotchfruit going to lug your 49 pound suitcase off the conveyor? No. They aren't. Get them the fuck out of the way so I don't hit them in the face with my 39 pound suitcase. Dumbass.

3. READ THE FUCKING SIGNS. If you're standing on the "walk" side of the moving platform I will bump into you on purpose. Stand on the stand side, and walk on the walk side. If you are blocking walkways or doorways, I will run into you. If you're standing around in the way with your thumb up your ass, step aside. When you are moving, move like you are going somewhere.

4. Checking in. Have your shit ready. Pay attention. When it's your turn to go up and check in, get moving. Pay attention. Have your I.D. Have your boarding pass ready. Have luggage that is mobile. They invented these suitcases with wheels. Use them. Lines get longer when people aren't paying attention.

5. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PAPER TICKET. Your ticket is electronic. You need nothing but identification to check in. If someone else has printed your boarding pass for you, it doesn't fucking matter. You can print another one. A boarding pass IS NOT A TICKET!

6. Know what your luggage looks like. Stare at it, know the features, the size. If it is not easily recognizable, make it so. I'm tired of people picking up my red suitcase, only to toss it back down. Know what your luggage looks like!

7. Bring less shit. Whatever you packed, unpack and re-evaluate. In most cases you should never check more than one bag, and never have more than one carry on. Do not bring more than you can handle. I'm tired of watching people struggle with multiple suitcases. Bring less shit. Stop trying to stuff your huge suitcase in the overhead bin. Bring only what you need on the plane in your carry on. Nothing more. Don't take up all the overhead luggage space with your coat. Planes are tiny and they suck, don't abuse your use of space.

8. Security.
Before you get there, put metal items in your carry on. Change, big watches, big belts. Keep your ID and boarding pass in your hands at all times. Bring an empty water bottle to refill later. Keep all other liquids in containers less than 3 ounces. Keep those in a plastic bag. Take off all jackets/sweatshirts/hats. Take off your shoes. Nobody gives a shit about your feet. Take your shoes off. Do this and you will not beep and you'll get through faster. And so will everyone else... Magic!

9. Entertain yourself. Have a magazine, a book and an electronic device (be that a laptop, ipod or PSP). So, you'll always have something to keep you busy. Flights are boring, airports are boring. This should not be a surprise. Be prepared.

10. Delays happen. Don't be stupid. Don't act entitled and demand special treatment. No airline cares who the hell you are. Be patient, be reasonable. And again... don't be stupid. Be polite to flight attendants and pilots. Fuck the TSA.

*Special note to TSA. Stop fucking holding me for "extra security" when I'm running late for my flight because of airline delays. If I miss one more flight from you searching my luggage for NOTHING, I am going to continue to be a bitch to you.

You're welcome.

PS. I'm not angry, I just travel too much.
PPS. I am a little angry... at your children.

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