This shit pisses me off

Take a look. Yes, it's a bathroom stall, yes that is a toilet paper dispenser. Look at it. Notice anything wrong? How about the fact that it's mounted about 2 inches from the bottom of the stall wall? Why the hell is it way the $@&%! down there? Really? You think I want to go rummaging around my ankles for necessary items? Why should it be way down there? In addition to that, the hole is in the bottom! I have to reach down, and then up into it. WTF? Am I some sort of contortionist? I have long arms and this is difficult.

Why the hell can't it be mounted somewhere.. near my arms/head/shoulders? Will I hit my head on it or something? I could much more easily reach up, that would be nice. Or, hey how about have the cover only cover 2/3 of it so you can actually get to the item inside? Why does this have to be like a fucking mouse getting the cheese?

This is the lamest complaint ever but I see it over and over again. Why the hell are these damn things always mounted about 6 inches off the floor? WHY??

I'm going to .... aw who am I kidding? I'm not gonna do anything but bitch about it.

It's stupid. Fix it! I've done my part by bringing the issue to light. Now, you go do something about it.

In case you were wondering

I do not like the dentist.

No sir.

it's coming

You can smell it in the air my kiddies. You know it's coming. I desperately want summer to last forever. I hate the dreary endless soul-sucking Michigan winters - specifically March. However, there is shiny jewel of love before we descend into the suck.

Halloween is coming my kiddies. Oh yes it is. Cobwebs and dead things and spiders and rubbery bloody latex and creatures that go bump in the night. I've loved it for as long as I can remember. I just had to pick up a couple things at Michael's for work and went upon the usual beeline for the goodies and poking all the halloweener stuff with glee. Oh boy.

I've already picked out my Halloween costume for the year (wouldn't you like to know) and have begun plans for this year's annual shin-dig. Let's just say we're thinking "outside the box."

It's coming my kiddies. Be ready. Beware.

Find me a cave

Eureka I've figured it out. I'm always the last to know.

All day I've been on edge. Irritated at the TV. It's too loud. Irritated at a book I was reading - didn't advertise on the cover it was a collection of short stories - and I was tricked into thinking subsequent stories were chapters of the original story. Irritated at husband for drinking my vodka. Irritated at customers for asking questions. Irritated at co-worker for asking questions I've already answered.

I'm in bed trying to sleep, rolling in my bitterness when it occurs to me... I've been in this edgy bitch-funk for most of the last several days. What gives?

I've been rough to nearly everyone I have encountered. It's annoying when I realize I've been moody for days. I've had a headache for days and have just been uninterested in people. I spent two days repotting plants. Really.
Monday night I went to play volleyball and there was one particular guy there, I ended up on his team at one point and he was giving me a hard time about not playing my position properly, harking on me - despite the fact I'm one of the best women players there. I'd played with him before and it didn't bother me. But for some reason Monday he got under my skin. I complained to another player he was being a dick... and I stewed on it. I'm still stewing on it. This is not me.

Normally get annoyed, brush it off and forget about it. Over. Done. Everything is no big deal.
I don't like being angry. Especially this hair-trigger lingering kind, where anything sets me off. When it occurs to me that I've been simmering for days. Usually it's just the passing of time, moods come and go, but this is worse than normal.
Well, it fucking sucks.
I suspect it has to do with a new common daily regimen that keeps babies away. I've had trouble with this before. Currently, my desire to remain childless outweighs my distaste of being hormonally altered. Not that our families haven't nagged us enough. Husband's family was surprised to learn we plan to name our firstborn child "lamp." Keep asking. The names will get worse. Every time my mom asks "when" I tack another month onto when she'll get the news - should that day come. At this rate, the kid will be seven by the time I tell her.

I should have been clued into this mood hurricane when I was feeling dark and suddenly got the desire to paint my nails black the other day, and hadn't been in a dark-nail polish kind of mood in a while. I usually like going au-naturale in the summer time, with tips of fingers and toes a lighter shade than my sun-kissed skin.
Oh well.
Tomorrow I'll be all sunshine and rainbows my kiddies, I promise.

I'm not good at math

I normally dislike most poetry but this I like.


The Square Root of Three
David Feinberg


I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight

Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply

To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

Well, this is just heartbreaking

Read from bottom up.
Names have been changed.

(beware April, this will make you cry)


From: Mary
To: Melissa
Sent: Friday, August 15, 2008 9:26:59 PM
Subject: RE:


Thank you Melissa, and yes it is terrible, we were so looking forward to the trip with you and as excited as teen agers, it would have our first trip although we have been breeding Norkolk terriers, Beth 24 years and me 4. You will never know how much I will miss my friend, my shoulder to cry on, my friend to laugh and be silly with, to love our dogs, one of our greatest joys was sitting ring side and watching the judging.

Warm Regards,

Mary



----- Original Message ----
From: Melissa
To: Mary
Sent: Friday, August 15, 2008 9:26:59 AM
Subject: RE:


Hi Marion,
I'm so sorry to hear that. That's just terrible.
We'll take care of the refund.
You take care of you.

-Melissa



-----Original Message-----
From: Mary
Sent: Thursday, August 14, 2008 7:01 PM
To: Melissa
Subject: Re:


Dear Melissa,

I've been going to e mail or telephone to cancel the trip this year. My friend Beth who was going with me had surgery a week ago Wednesday and died of a blood clot on Friday. I've been in shock and barely moving. Her service was on Tuesday and I'm still numb.

Please cancel my trip this year and by next year I will be able to take the trip and not be crying the entire time. I understand $25 will be deducted from the $700 I have on deposit.

Sincerely,

Mary


----- Original Message ----
From: Melissa
To: Mary
Sent: Thursday, August 14, 2008 2:35:37 PM
Subject: RE:

Hi Mary,
I just looked into Business class flights for you on Lufthansa from San Francisco, and they are not good. The prices are more than $10,000 per person, and I don't believe you'd be willing to pay that kind of cost for a flight. I checked, and even the economy price is $2,500 per person.
The schedules are also quite bad from San Francisco to Birmingham, you'd have three separate flights each way.
Is there another airline you'd consider? KLM/Northwest is about $1,000 per person for economy, and business class tickets on United are about $4,000 per person.
Let me know what you think and what you'd like to do.
Thanks Mary

-Melissa



-----Original Message-----
From: Mary
Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2008 11:50 AM
To: Shelly
Subject:

Dear Shelly,

I booked my trip yesterday and faxed my application to you. I also included my husband's credit card which I'd like
you to use as this trip is a birthday gift. I did not include the payment of the trip insurance until I get the final figure from you,
as we discussed I'd like to fly out of SFO and one of my favorite airlines in Lufthansa and if it doesn't break the bank I'd like
to fly business class.

My friend Beth is having surgery this week and based on the outcome she will be making her reservation with you
within the next two weeks.

Thanking you in advance,

Mary

Ten tips on how not to travel like a total fucking douche

1. Don't bring children. Just don't do it. Everyone hates children. Especially on airplanes. Whether you believe it or not, your child is retarted. The things that are cute to you annoy everyone else. Even that smiling granny.

2. If you do have to bring your horrid children make sure they don't drive everyone else fucking crazy. Keep them quiet. Don't let them kick the chair in front of them during the flight, and do not, I repeat, DO NOT! let them stand anywhere near the baggage claim carousel. Is your crotchfruit going to lug your 49 pound suitcase off the conveyor? No. They aren't. Get them the fuck out of the way so I don't hit them in the face with my 39 pound suitcase. Dumbass.

3. READ THE FUCKING SIGNS. If you're standing on the "walk" side of the moving platform I will bump into you on purpose. Stand on the stand side, and walk on the walk side. If you are blocking walkways or doorways, I will run into you. If you're standing around in the way with your thumb up your ass, step aside. When you are moving, move like you are going somewhere.

4. Checking in. Have your shit ready. Pay attention. When it's your turn to go up and check in, get moving. Pay attention. Have your I.D. Have your boarding pass ready. Have luggage that is mobile. They invented these suitcases with wheels. Use them. Lines get longer when people aren't paying attention.

5. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PAPER TICKET. Your ticket is electronic. You need nothing but identification to check in. If someone else has printed your boarding pass for you, it doesn't fucking matter. You can print another one. A boarding pass IS NOT A TICKET!

6. Know what your luggage looks like. Stare at it, know the features, the size. If it is not easily recognizable, make it so. I'm tired of people picking up my red suitcase, only to toss it back down. Know what your luggage looks like!

7. Bring less shit. Whatever you packed, unpack and re-evaluate. In most cases you should never check more than one bag, and never have more than one carry on. Do not bring more than you can handle. I'm tired of watching people struggle with multiple suitcases. Bring less shit. Stop trying to stuff your huge suitcase in the overhead bin. Bring only what you need on the plane in your carry on. Nothing more. Don't take up all the overhead luggage space with your coat. Planes are tiny and they suck, don't abuse your use of space.

8. Security.
Before you get there, put metal items in your carry on. Change, big watches, big belts. Keep your ID and boarding pass in your hands at all times. Bring an empty water bottle to refill later. Keep all other liquids in containers less than 3 ounces. Keep those in a plastic bag. Take off all jackets/sweatshirts/hats. Take off your shoes. Nobody gives a shit about your feet. Take your shoes off. Do this and you will not beep and you'll get through faster. And so will everyone else... Magic!

9. Entertain yourself. Have a magazine, a book and an electronic device (be that a laptop, ipod or PSP). So, you'll always have something to keep you busy. Flights are boring, airports are boring. This should not be a surprise. Be prepared.

10. Delays happen. Don't be stupid. Don't act entitled and demand special treatment. No airline cares who the hell you are. Be patient, be reasonable. And again... don't be stupid. Be polite to flight attendants and pilots. Fuck the TSA.

*Special note to TSA. Stop fucking holding me for "extra security" when I'm running late for my flight because of airline delays. If I miss one more flight from you searching my luggage for NOTHING, I am going to continue to be a bitch to you.

You're welcome.

PS. I'm not angry, I just travel too much.
PPS. I am a little angry... at your children.

I don't want to travel with family anymore

That is all.

I kissed a girl (and I liked it!)

In case you didn't get the reference the title stems from a current pop hit by Katy Perry. Like, duhhhhhh.

This all started because about two weeks ago I saw Ellen Page at Whole Foods. Here's the recap. She's at the salad bar all alone, and I'm immediately geeked. I ask her, "Are you Ellen?" And got no response. (Which meant A. She heard me and ignored me, or B. She didn't hear me) Either way I slink away like a moron.

So, the other night I have a dream about Ellen (and this one did not involve smoking or pizza rolls). Like all dreams, one remembers jumbled bits and pieces, parts clear, parts fuzzy. I remember it was like we were both in some high school play, only it was now - and we were often by ourselves for some reason. At one point, she's dressed like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz (only the costume was all wrong - not Dorothy at all). LIke I said, dreams crisscross things. I comment to her that she's a really tiny Dorothy. I have some weird costume that I don't remember. And it goes like this, us passing, working on this theater production, until soon we're old buddies. We are like BFF.

Eventually, since we're old pals now, she teases me about me seeing her at Whole Foods, "Are you Ellen?" She mocks me.... "really? That was the best you could do?" And at one point I don't know where we are anymore, but husband is around - he's in the area, walking by, and I'm we're both sitting, but she's sitting up on something, higher than me and I'm leaning on her leg all friendly-affectionate like I look at her and then she kisses me. I'm all twitterpated about it and tell her she's so cute. But I'm nervous and don't continue, afraid husband will catch me. I wake up and oddly I'm disappointed that it was over. I get it, it's weird, but she is cute and dreams have a way of putting a different perspective on things.

Just think, next time I see her at Whole Foods I can tell her this one time I had a dream that she kissed me and I liked it. And she'd stare at me standing there, all huge and unappealing and she'd run for the hills.