Vanilla and sweet orange

I'm gonna go on a rant here and sound a bit whiny, but I'm tired. It it doesn't matter anyway I'm pretty sure nobody is actually reading this. I'm tired that my family doesn't try. With the exception of my brother and his wife, Christmas was fucking annoying. First world problems.
Brother Joe sent out a lovely email including a Christmas list and asked others to do the same.
His list included Old Navy and Amazon Gift Cards, Dark Chocolate, Starbucks VIA Instant Sweetened Iced Coffee. I bought all of those things.
My sister in law's list (Lindsey) included Whole Bean coffee, Gift cards for Amazon and Starbucks, Instant coffee like Via Dark Roast. I bought all of those things. My mom, dad, and stupid sister could not be bothered to make a list.
First, my mom can't Internet because she doesn't try. She instead drove all around the place looking for a thing on my list and texting me all the while that she couldn't find it. Could you at least PLEASE pretend my gift will be a surprise and stop giving me the difficult play by play? How about making a phone call to these places instead of driving? How about asking someone to help you Internet? Stop thinking of yourself and realize how rude you are being.

My list:
Gift Cards (Old Navy, Zappos, REI, Alloy Apparel, Lands End)
Hugo Naturals Vanilla and Sweet Orange Lotion
Milk Chocolate covered almonds
Dark Roast K cups
Big Red cinnamon gum
Tusker Beer
Cards Against Humanity expansion pack 5, 6

What I got:
$40 cash and a bunch of texts telling me how hard it was to find a gift
Old Navy Gift card (win)
Target Gift Cards (that wasn't on the list...)
Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds (not milk... ok)
A package of Meijer brand trouser socks or something (No. Just, No.)
A box of swiffers
Garbage disposal cleaner
Kitchen sponges
A Hello Kitty Beach towel (WTF?)
Shampoo and conditioner (ok, fine)
More shampoo and conditioner, travel size


The winning items all from Joe and Lindsey:
K Cups, french roast (would have liked darker roast, but oh well)
Tusker Beer (Ok, I admit - BIG HUGE WIN for Brother and SIL)

I complain because there was a list. If you have a list, why do you completely ignore what is on it and buy whatever you want anyway? I shouldn't even waste my time and energy and thought into helping you know me, because you don't care. And the reason I don't want $40 cash is because I won't buy these things for myself. I'll use $40 cash to pay for babysitters or buy lunch when I'm at work. I didn't ask for Target gift cards because I won't buy things for myself at Target, I will buy diapers. I wanted to receive things I won't do for myself. That is part of the fun of Christmas and you ruined my hope.

We go over to my parents house and start trying to visit but there's little glass Christmas knick knacks all over the place. Random junk in every nook and cranny of the living room. A nativity thing on a table in the living room, more Christmas junk on a table in the kitchen. All within easy reach of the two year old twins I have with me. Their house is small to begin with and crowded with miscellaneous items just makes it claustrophobic. I don't get to sit and rest and relax, with a non-baby proofed home. I have to watch their every move. It's exhausting.
My mom immediately pulls me aside to show me some tricycle she found at a yard sale that fits Alice pretty well, so of course now both twins want to fight over and ride the small tricycle. Indoors. In the already crowded knick knack house. Grr.
Take it away. Hide it.
Then the toddlers want to eat, but they want to eat and roam. There is one booster seat so it's pretty difficult to feed two squirming mobile toddlers. The five year old wants crackers, the five year old wants cookies, the two year old grabs the pie she can reach, the other two year old grabs the package of brownies she can reach. Stress. Levels. Rising.
My dad goes to pick up my stupid sister and her ratty children and returns without them. They weren't ready to leave and he is tired of her shit, so he left and came back. My mom defends her, as she always has and always will.
We open presents and I get my weird collection of "gifts." They do pretty well with kids toys, although I specifically said no more coloring books and got some anyway. They have a long history of buying things I specifically told them not to buy and it pisses me off to no end. They don't do it to be assholes, they just don't care?  They don't think about me? They don't think at all? I don't know.
Paper and gift shrapnel is all strewn about and my moms gifts are half opened and she just leaves everything piled around her chair precariously and decides to leave to pick up my stupid sister.
I gather up all her crap and move it out of the four grabbing hands of the toddlers and try to clean up the pine needles all over the floor.
They return. Her homeless looking brood open their gifts and don't seem to care who they are from and don't thank anyone. We go downstairs to see my dad's Christmas train he is proud of and the kids want to play in the "playroom." Next to the doorway is a pile of crap on a bookshelf including plastic bags, a coaxial cable, a screwdriver, a scrabble letter tile holder, a pair of pliers, many many papers, paperback books, random junk, 7 easter baskets, pieces of picture frames, etc etc. I start bagging up the garbage and handing things to my mom and then just go in and do a quick clean up of the room. I mean, what is all this shit? She says, "you don't come over very often."
Are you surprised? This house is a pain in the ass to be in. There's no room to move or play. We bag up about 3 bags of garbage from just this tiny little room. I'm tired and stressed and hungry.
I start reaching for a soap opera digest to throw it away and my sister starts reaching for it too, I win and throw it out and she says, "I'm just gonna go" in her baby tantrum pouty voice. Yes, hoarder - just go away.
We finish in the playroom and go back upstairs, feed the littles and start packing up to leave. There's no dinner in sight and I need to eat. All the stuff now is in the car, the kids are half dressed to go out in the cold and then my mom wants to get a picture of all the grand kids just like her mother in law used to do. Could you ever fucking try to do this at some other point in the day? Why do you always think of this while we are half out the door? That drives me nuts. Are you trying to annoy me?
Then we are saying goodbyes and my stupid sister tries to hug me and I give her my shoulder. I. DON'T. LIKE. YOU. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to be your sister. Why, on the one time a year you see me, do you try to hug me like if I let you do it you're going to win some kind of fucking prize? Then you and mom smirk at each other. Ha, ha, almost got her this time, look mom, she still won't hug me. I hate you. STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME.
If you don't know why I can't stand her, the list of items is 37 years long.
On the bright side, I do have a brand new Hello Kitty beach towel for sale.

Sunshine and Daredevil

So, I haven't seen the sun in about 14 days and even then it was briefly and had been gone for about 14 days before that. I'm wilting. I dusted off my magic "sun lamp" and have been using that every morning and it helps. My thoughts were consumed with my Africa trip and struggling with the life I am living right now. (Ie. responsible for three screaming child terrorists 50+ hours a week...) Whatever.
Anyway, then I heard about this Daredevil show on Netflix. I'd heard of it before but didn't think much of it, and we started watching it. We watched three hours the first night. We watched three hours the second night. Then I think we tried to stretch it out a little, maybe two and two .. anyway - we binge watched the crap out of it. It. Is. Amazing. I replace who ever may have been in the top spot for my favorite show ever. It's ridiculous, in a way, that now my thoughts are of a tv show but I go through phases where I'm stuck in my head - winter, hormones, who knows why and if I'm going to spend a few months stuck in my head it might as well be looking at Matt Murdock. Besides, it's a good fucking show. What am I supposed to do now, just go back to regular tv? Please. It's been a month and I've watched Daredevil three times. I need an intervention, and then I need some sunshine.

I actually got a request the other day at work to send someone to Africa and was all excited about that. Aaaaand turns out she only needs flights. Boo. Maybe January will be busier. I wish the world wasn't so big so you could see the people you like more often. But the world wouldn't be as fascinating if it was small, would it? Would we even know? Someone give me a good reason to go to Toronto or San Diego. I miss my new friends.

Africa and Oceans 11

Think of your favorite movie, lets say for this exercise it is Oceans 11. You watch this movie for the first time, and after it's over for one reason or another, or many, this is now your favorite movie. You've seen lots of movies and enjoyed many of them, but this one, this is your film - the perfect fit for you, the one you'd hoped for and exceeded all expectations. Now, after watching it one time and loving it so completely - you're never allowed to watch that movie again. Sure, you could watch Oceans 12 or 13, but you know that's never going to fill the void that Ocean's 11 would have filled.

That's my best analogy for Africa. The one I'd hoped for. I got lucky and it came my way. I'd had quite a travel drought thanks to the littles, and it was everything I'd imagined it would be, but more. For me, it was as good as it gets. 

I was feeling all of the feels the week I got home. Was it the people I was with? Yes, very much so. Was it the places I stayed? Yes, absolutely. Was it the things I saw? Yes, definitely. Was it the beautiful weather during the day and strange but wonderful rainstorms at night? Yes. The food? Of course. I can't believe just how much I want to repeat it all. I've never experienced this so strongly before. 

It was everything. I made an effort to be present in every moment, to soak in everything, to be able to remember as much as possible. I have been stuck in Africa in my head since I got home, going over snippets of as many moments as I can. Some stories I have shared, some I will keep just for myself, my moments in time. 

I thought going on this trip would be my break from my home life that would make day to day tasks easier when I got home. I'd be refreshed. I'd be renewed. It had the opposite effect. I'm heartbroken. I resent my obligations. Has husband noticed I'm not here mentally? Of course he has. He always does. He's my person. He knows me.
But, I miss the freedom I had when I was in my 20s and it was just us and I could travel (and did) as much as my little heart desired. I could take a shower in silence, I could go for a walk anytime I wanted, I could have a complete thought. A hot meal. I was free. I don't feel free. I don't feel refreshed. I don't feel renewed. I feel reminded of the world I had that is currently gone. 

Obligatory note that I love my kids. Blah blah blah. Right now is harder than I expected. My experience is not average. Most people don't have twins. I am currently spending the majority of my free time with two toddlers and a five year old. I had a full life pre-kids. I didn't choose to have them until I was 32, I had a good 14+ years of busy independent adult life. I am not one of those people who dreamed their whole lives of someday being a mommy. It's part of my life, not my everything.

With each day home it gets a little easier, I am getting back into the swing of things. I'm a little less of a space cadet. I don't think it will be as hard next time I travel, because I won't be returning from the trip that was #1 on my bucket list. The next trip will likely be something run of the mill... Ireland, Scotland... who knows what will come my way. 

It all ended so abruptly. I don't know if I was tired or not paying attention, or if I just really had to pee (thanks, beer...) but there we were going about the day, going on a ridiculous drive to the airport and all of a sudden it was time to literally run to the gate. It was over. There was no time. There's never enough time. 

I'm still here

My free time is few and far between. That's not entirely correct.. my free time comes in minutes at a time. A few minutes to shower. A few minutes to wipe the cat hair off the kitchen floor again so that the babies don't have furry hands the next time they crawl across it. A few minutes to make sure the four year old has eaten, again. A few minutes to throw in the next load of laundry, eat something, put something away, go for a walk, pay a bill, and the other 97,000 things I'm responsible for in a day.

I have twins. For some freak of nature reason, my body threw an egg that hilariously and entirely split into two people. One of them who is quiet, and has a lopsided crawl and is happy all the time and is sweet. One of them is a firecracker, who is always in a hurry and can climb like a motherfucker, and is also happy all the time. They tag team. One pulls it down, the other gets into it. They are hilarious and adorable. Next comes the PSA for those of you without twins.

1. For the love of all that is holy, stop fucking telling me "YOU'VE GOT YOUR HANDS FULL!" Ha ha, yes. Yes I do! I had no idea! I'm at the grocery store, or the pediatrician, and I'm struggling to carry an infant car seat in each hand toting a 16 pound baby in each. I have a four year old tagging along, most likely asking me for shit. I'm probably trying to open a door, while you stand there with your gaping maw, telling me how hard it looks without actually offering to help open the fucking door. Fuck you.

2. I have a thought to make a business card to hand out for the next several questions that follow. Are they both girls? Are they identical? How old are they? Do twins run in your family? My cousin friend aunt mom is a twin. A brave few even have asked about my breeding capabilities. I'm fabulously fertile, thanks for asking. Which brand of tampon is your favorite? Oh? That's a weird personal question? Hm...

Things have changed. We had a house built. It's wonderful. From the age of 16 to 36, I never went more than 365 days without getting on an airplane. I haven't flown since June 2013. A flight is coming though. Soon. Tropical drinks, warm breezes, soft sand, palm trees. Fuck yes.

Is it spring yet?

So, we are probably getting a new hot water heater today. This one seems to be leaking water from a rusty connection on the top. So that's awesome.

We are having a house built - about 10 minutes from here with bedrooms and stairs and garage doors and all sorts of sweet new things. The digging of our basement is on hold because of some "frost law." So that's awesome.

I'm working at a travel agency and I get to field all kinds of requests for people that want to go somewhere warm. They have no dates, no idea where they want to go and no budget. So, that's awesome.

So, I recently went to get gas - and being winter - I thought nothing of walking through a puddle, until I noticed when I got back in the car it stank of gasoline like you would not believe. My newest pair of pants is still in a bucket of water in the laundry room. My shoes are on the front porch. So, that's awesome.

There's ice on the ground. My pants fit too tight. I'm tired. I'm soooo over this winter. I want to play in the pool. I want to feel the sun. I want to mow the lawn. I want to move into my house and organize all the things that just seem to be in the way in this little place.

SPRING, WHERE ARE YOU!?