Tuesday, February 10, 2009

because I can't do better

That beagle just robbed a starbucks
Jack Gray
AC360° Associate Producer

Move over, Sully. The Westminster Dog Show is in town. It’s like a canine version of Fleet Week, only with more one night stands. In fact it’s the one week of the year when Manhattan’s fanciest hotels can be trashed by long-haired creatures roaming the hallways on all fours and management can’t automatically blame Mickey Rourke.

Like all visitors to New York, the Westminster participants try to strike a balance of business and pleasure. The Poodle window shopping at Cartier. The Bichon having his picture taken in front of the Seinfeld diner. The Schnauzer trotting into a Times Square massage parlor.

But if you think an influx of dogs into one of the world’s most populated cities might cause problems, think again. In fact, one of the reasons why I like dog tourists better than regular tourists is that they’re much less disruptive. You’ll never come across a Welsh Corgi blocking a busy sidewalk, digging around in his fanny pack for misplaced tickets to Mamma Mia.

And you don’t have to worry about a posse of Great Danes strutting through SoHo, clad in leather pants, pestering you for directions to Dolce and Gabbana.

Sure, not every dog is perfect. Border Collies are Kleptomaniacs. And Pugs have an insatiable penchant for prostitutes. But just remember that for every Cocker Spaniel who steals your iPhone there’s a civic-minded Pekingese willing to give you CPR…even if you don’t need it.

It is exhausting, though. There are so many different breeds in the city this week, it’s almost overwhelming for a dog lover like me. As you’ll learn if you watch the telecast of the dog show, each breed has its own special qualities. Take for example the Maltese. They excel at cuddling and conning senior citizens out of their Social Security checks. Then there’s the Scottish Terrier. They’re known for their loyalty and fondness for black market handguns. To say nothing of the Dachshund, a dog small in stature but big in ability to launder money through the Cayman Islands.

And don’t even get me started on Saint Bernards. They say they’re there to rescue you but they’re really just there to steal the gold fillings out of your teeth.

In the meantime, watch out for the Basenji, the so-called barkless dog. As if that isn’t a scam.

1 comment:

E Flo said...

all i can say is amazing. I need to get my shit together and actually go for once. I would cry happy tears the entire time.